All the single ladies! (All the single ladies!)

Let's talk about single missionaries.

There are a lot of us. 13% of the missionaries serving with the Southern Baptist Mission Board are single. 21% serving with Pioneers are single. I have no idea what the statistics are for OMS, but I'd imagine the numbers are similar or even slightly higher. Four of the 12ish in my department are single.

And 85% of single missionaries are women.

Here are some headlines a quick Google search on this topic will bring you:

Two thirds of active missionaries are married couples. Another third are single women. The rest are single men.

Matchmaker for Missionaries Tackles a Top Reason They Quit

All the Single Ladies

"Should I, as a single person, go overseas now, or should I first find a mate?"

Should I give up my missionary work to try to find a husband?

Yeah, it's a big deal. A lot of people are talking about it. (I laughed at the third one. I was confused about the second and what it modified.)

But are they talking about the right thing? There is this pervasive idea that all single, female missionaries are just biding their time until they hit 40 or find a husband. 

It's disgusting. 

In many ways, whether purposely or not, single missionaries are treated as second class citizens by the marrieds. This is especially true if you're a single female. 

To be fair, I don't think they realize they are doing it most of the time. But there is still that old-school mentality that women are fragile, and without men to guide them, they are lost. Thus, many decisions are made for us without first inquiring as to what we would prefer.

Overall, OMS has been decent about single missionaries. Many of the marrieds are very gracious to us and invite us to join their families for holidays and activities. Lori McFall is kinda like a second mom, only more like an older sister, and I feel like an honorary McFall. 

But for as awesome as Lori's family is, I'm still not really a McFall. There are times I feel like I'm intruding, mostly because that's my personality. (Lori, I think you already know most of this, so I feel safe using you as an example.)

I know other couples who have taken in single missionaries like this. But instead of treating them as equals, the single missionaries almost become like another child. And some missionaries might not mind this. But many of us already have one set of parents, and what we need are friends, not minders.

It's worse for single missionaries not serving in the States. In many places, they might be the only missionary in the area. True, most agencies try to avoid this if possible, but it doesn't always work out. And even if you get paired up with another single gal, there is no guarantee that you'll be compatible roommates. Let's face it, some people just don't have much in common. Even here on campus, where there are an abundance of single missionaries, there are only 1-2 that I hang out with regularly. For one reason or another, I just don't connect with the others. I mentioned in previous posts that certain people had moved. Beka, Emily, and Elida were my single friends that I did pretty much everything with. We have similar interests, similar personalities, and so we hung out. And then, as happens, Beka moved to the Philippines, Emily moved to California, and Elida moved to Haiti, all to serve in their respective ministries. That added to an already devastating year. 

And that happens more often with single missionaries. They are the ones asked to move because it's easier than asking marrieds with kids to uproot everything. I understand why this happens. There are valid reasons for it. But it takes a toll. 

Furthermore, singles have to be much more careful about how they interact with people in the field. At OMS, we have a rule that single missionaries are not allowed to date for the first two years of their assignment. I don't know how strictly it is enforced, but it does exist. So if you want to do something, you need to find a large group or some marrieds with free time. Because they have so much of it. We have to be careful about how we interact with our national coworkers, how we interact with our married coworkers. 

Again, there are valid reasons for this. I have a friend who uses this as her excuse for turning down marriage proposals from nationals. (Not sure what she'll do after the two years are up.) And appearances are important, especially when you're trying to be the light of Jesus. But it still takes a toll.

And at the end of the day, who do singles talk to? It's a bit better in this technological age. We can Skype, email, and social media to our heart's content. But there is no substitute for having a physical person who can listen to you vent and give you a hug. Marrieds have a built-in pressure valve. Singles have to be careful about who they tell things to. 

And all too often, it's the single missionaries who are left to fend for themselves. We have a singles dinner every month at OMS. It's not subsidized by the mission or promoted. A couple of single gals got together and decided the single folks needed an outlet. It's nice. But my first time there, someone tried to set me up with the only single male missionary on campus. It's coming from all sides!

I'm not throwing shade at married missionaries. They have problems of their own that we don't have to deal with. But they aren't better than us because they have a spouse. I usually point to 1 Corinthians 7 when I get into the 'why aren't you married' discussion. Particularly verses 8 and 9. "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." Nothing shuts them up faster than realizing they were the weak ones for being unable to control themselves.

I guess my purpose in writing this is to get people to realize that SINGLE MISSIONARIES EXIST. We have opinions. We have a calling. We have needs. Don't make policies that exclude a significant portion of your staff!

I think that's everything. You'll know if it's not.