Okay, we're finally doing this. I watched the first disappointment in the theater. I watched the second farce under duress. Now I'm finally watching this train wreck. I think I've avoided spoilers, but I'm not sure knowing anything about this movie would actually spoil it.
What are we watching? Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
I have some help this time: Philociraptor (P), Yoda's Tree (Y), Nermal (N), and Eli (E).
Let the torture begin.
Good start so far.
And they ruined it with the text scrawl. WHY bring Palpatine into this?
Kylo is a supreme leader now? Doesn't he know that's my title?
Oooh, he's so angry! That sword is still stupid.
Nice Macguffin. I have a feeling this will lead nowhere.
Oh, it's a map? Maybe? That's the most ridiculous way to get anywhere.
(N is still eating the fantastic pizza she made for us.)
Ugh. Palpatine is apparently a ventriloquist.
"The first order was just the beginning." That is unintentionally funny.
Ew, he's real. Gross hands.
E wants to know what Palpatine told everyone using his sinister voice. We're thinking he asked for some chapstick. Maybe lotion.
Dude, forget the girl.
Those long pauses crack me up. Like, I just imagine it going on forever until someone awkwardly slinks away.
This duo. They need their own movie. A better one.
Ooh, R2 is only good for transporting messages. Poor little guy.
Right, because they intended to lose the war before. (I mean, they may have, according to the way the last movies went.)
I don't think that's how hyperspace works. But again, they didn't care about the rules in the last movie. So.
Wow, J.J. really is copying all the movies.
Oh, hey, dead woman.
This is definitely more than Luke had to do. Discrimination against women.
E likes the toaster effect on the helmet.
P is taunting his mother with a pillow.
Kylo and Rey are communing, but I really don't care.
Oh, hey Harrison.
P wants to remake the old movies with better graphics. We had to break the news to him.
WHY IS LEIA A JEDI MASTER?! SHE IS NOT A JEDI. OR A MASTER.
I like that the Falcon always prompts panic.
I feel like we don't have time for this fight. It's funny, though.
THERE'S A HOBBIT!!!!
Yet another planet I care nothing about.
Moz? Maz? And Rose? So many people.
"I need to go alone." "I know! And we're coming with you!"
She's channeling Padme in that outfit. I like it.
C-3PO sounds old.
What's the significance of the lightsaber? Shouldn't she have made her own?
(P is building a nest.)
Forget the helmet, dude. And why is there a monkey?!
Force choke him!
Never mind, he's hilarious.
Y chimed in - "Star Wars is not below cheap tricks."
I have to say, killing your allies is not the wisest move.
Desert mardi gras.
Why is there a Bollywood dance in this movie? N concurs.
Pig children.
This stupid 'who is Rey?' mystery is tired.
E thinks this message thing is weird. I concur.
I sense foreshadowing. And yet I don't care.
"Follow me if you want to live."
Hi Lando.
Oh look, I was right.
Also, there was a muppet.
That was an early bad feeling, says E.
And podracers are back.
Don't they still have TIE fighters? Couldn't they shoot from above much easier than motorcycles?
Flying stormtroopers is cool.
Still can't shoot.
Oh look, they found the one who can shoot. Very convenient.
Roll credits!
E is annoyed at the last words trope.
Yes, be optimistic.
N is laughing at Poe's inadequacies.
I want this dagger.
This is some Harry Potter shizzle here.
Does any of this move the plot forward? Like, it's fun, but it's also pointless.
Is she a Force healer now? P wants to know where this is in canon.
And the knights are now in Assassin's Creed.
Of course there's still power on this ship that's been abandoned for years.
I feel like we're getting the trailer scene now. I just don't know why.
Black in the desert? That's so last season.
Aww, the walking mop.
There's really no reason for this scene. I thought it was dumb before. I still think it's dumb.
Do or do not. Why are you trying?
Tug o' war is the new penis measuring.
Did they just kill Chewie? Those jerks.
THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!!!
I'm so lost.
Oh good, Chewie is alive.
This guy Richard is playing is the mole, right? Like, there's no other reason to pay this much attention to him, right?
We all have High School Musical vibes now. (P says the new HSM show is not good.)
I sense a new marketing opportunity in this droid.
Still very lost. What are we trying to accomplish?
Sure, put the girl in the skintight outfit. Disney is sexist.
Just kidding, girl power!
Ugh, I hate their musical cue.
Like, I thought JJ had already remade "A New Hope." Why are we doing it again?
I thought Rian Johnson was the only one dedicated to erasing the fun parts of Star Wars.
Y and N are in awe of the finger.
Now I'm getting Prince of Egypt vibes.
Aww, Poe, is this love? I'm weirded out that Keri Russell is in this movie.
Pausing for cookies.
P says Disney is basically that scene from "Rogue One" - "You are being rescued. Please do not resist."
So, our intermission was full of bathroom breaks, cookies, dance moves (Cuban shuffle?), and the legend of Zelda.
Okay, back to the movie. We're not even halfway through this thing.
Ugh.
I swear if there are Ewoks in this movie...
Why did the first two movies exist? They made absolutely no difference.
Dude, there are definitely more stormtroopers on this thing than infiltrators.
I don't know if I can accurately represent how much I don't care who Rey is.
Cool imagery, I have to say.
Really, Hux? That's so dumb. But then again, I don't remember what he did in the last movie. Did he do anything? And what's the point of Richard? What's his name?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SHE'S HIS FRICKIN' GRANDDAUGHTER? THAT'S SO FLIPPING DUMB.
I'm really confused about the timeline on this. Did Palpatine have a kid on Naboo? (Also, I shocked the children because I asked who in this universe would jump his bones. Oops.)
Y is really shipping Finn and Rey.
How many times can we wreck the Falcon before it's actually wrecked.
P is wondering how something that exploded can have debris on this random planet.
Has no one heard of erosion?
Y says the Death Star is now an oceanic reef. P says what about the fuel?
These are horses with mop heads on them.
See, this is an interesting stormtrooper story.
P is now outside looking for sasquatches.
I'm fine with Poe not being Leia.
Why did Palpatine need the Macguffin when he already had a Death Star? His hubris would never have allowed him to think he could fail.
Daisy had a lot of practice in slow turns, didn't she?
Look, I admire the writers' creativity in pulling all of this out of their butts. But where is it leading?
Now THAT is a cool lightsaber design.
I like Adam Driver as a person. But not as Kylo Ren.
(N is now referencing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.)
Y is questioning the efficacy of wet lightsabers. I concur.
They are both leaving themselves wide open in this battle.
Leia's making a collect call. Will he accept or decline?
Live by the sword, die by the sword...
OH COME ON!!!
We could have been done with him. We never had to see him again.
Oh, Leia's dead again.
How much did Harrison get paid for this movie?
Nice callback.
Oh good, we're destroying planets again.
"I wish the ring had never come to me."
General. General.
Luke just looks terrible.
I hate this backstory. I hate it so much.
I needed an X-wing. I hate this less now.
Y has reminded me of the milk thing. RUDE.
HSM is back.
That's a heckin' lot of ships.
You've got to be kidding me.
I'm being warned that I will hate the end of this movie. I'm inclined to agree.
That's the weirdest life support system I've ever seen.
Dude, get some new lines.
Nice archery. Totally unrealistic. But nice touch.
I've been quiet because this whole thing is dumb. Are these knights Sith? Or just weird ninja things?
Oh good, more Ben/Rey chats.
This is a better fight scene than the last movie. Someone's been training.
thisisnotathingthisisnotathingthisisnot
Oh, snap.
Dude, where have all of these people been this entire time?
IS THAT WEDGE ANTILLES? I LOVE WEDGE!!!
Who are all these robed figures? I'm so confused.
Talk about your overpowered villains.
Oh, good, only the non-important people are dying.
That was kinda cool, with all the voices. I didn't recognize all of them.
P thinks Palpatine looks like a smurf now.
Remember when these movies were simple? I do. I liked those days.
There goes Pryde.
Why can this boy feel the Force again? Did we ever establish that?
Oh good, Ben is back.
Aww, how cute. Ugh.
What a terrible ship.
I'm fine that he's dead. But that's super dumb.
I'm still confused about how this First Order/Empire thing worked. I never had any idea how it worked on a galactic scale. Just these little microcosms that told me nothing.
Oh, there are the Ewoks. Why not.
Learn how to flirt better, Poe.
Chewie finally got his medal!
Y just commented on how rank Rey must smell right now.
This trio was sadly underused.
Is that it? Are we done? Oh, good, Tatooine.
E and P are enjoying remembering whiny Luke.
FINALLY! She made her own lightsaber.
Ugh. Fine. Whatever.
Aaaand we're back on Zelda. Because this movie was just that forgettable.
Okay. Ratings:
Y says 2 out of 5 stars.
P says 4 out of 10, and 3 are for the cinematics. (1 is disgusting, 10 is amazing.)
E says 2 out of 5 because it completely invalidates the other movies.
N says 2.5 out of 5. Way to sit on the fence, Nermal.
Aggregate rating: 2. Out of however many new planets we were introduced to throughout this waste of worldbuilding.
I'm annoyed that I spent time on this movie. But I enjoyed my fellow watchers and their love for me, their true Supreme Overlord.
What are we watching? Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
I have some help this time: Philociraptor (P), Yoda's Tree (Y), Nermal (N), and Eli (E).
Let the torture begin.
Good start so far.
And they ruined it with the text scrawl. WHY bring Palpatine into this?
Kylo is a supreme leader now? Doesn't he know that's my title?
Oooh, he's so angry! That sword is still stupid.
Nice Macguffin. I have a feeling this will lead nowhere.
Oh, it's a map? Maybe? That's the most ridiculous way to get anywhere.
(N is still eating the fantastic pizza she made for us.)
Ugh. Palpatine is apparently a ventriloquist.
"The first order was just the beginning." That is unintentionally funny.
Ew, he's real. Gross hands.
E wants to know what Palpatine told everyone using his sinister voice. We're thinking he asked for some chapstick. Maybe lotion.
Dude, forget the girl.
Those long pauses crack me up. Like, I just imagine it going on forever until someone awkwardly slinks away.
This duo. They need their own movie. A better one.
Ooh, R2 is only good for transporting messages. Poor little guy.
Right, because they intended to lose the war before. (I mean, they may have, according to the way the last movies went.)
I don't think that's how hyperspace works. But again, they didn't care about the rules in the last movie. So.
Wow, J.J. really is copying all the movies.
Oh, hey, dead woman.
This is definitely more than Luke had to do. Discrimination against women.
E likes the toaster effect on the helmet.
P is taunting his mother with a pillow.
Kylo and Rey are communing, but I really don't care.
Oh, hey Harrison.
P wants to remake the old movies with better graphics. We had to break the news to him.
WHY IS LEIA A JEDI MASTER?! SHE IS NOT A JEDI. OR A MASTER.
I like that the Falcon always prompts panic.
I feel like we don't have time for this fight. It's funny, though.
THERE'S A HOBBIT!!!!
Yet another planet I care nothing about.
Moz? Maz? And Rose? So many people.
"I need to go alone." "I know! And we're coming with you!"
She's channeling Padme in that outfit. I like it.
C-3PO sounds old.
What's the significance of the lightsaber? Shouldn't she have made her own?
(P is building a nest.)
Forget the helmet, dude. And why is there a monkey?!
Force choke him!
Never mind, he's hilarious.
Y chimed in - "Star Wars is not below cheap tricks."
I have to say, killing your allies is not the wisest move.
Desert mardi gras.
Why is there a Bollywood dance in this movie? N concurs.
Pig children.
This stupid 'who is Rey?' mystery is tired.
E thinks this message thing is weird. I concur.
I sense foreshadowing. And yet I don't care.
"Follow me if you want to live."
Hi Lando.
Oh look, I was right.
Also, there was a muppet.
That was an early bad feeling, says E.
And podracers are back.
Don't they still have TIE fighters? Couldn't they shoot from above much easier than motorcycles?
Flying stormtroopers is cool.
Still can't shoot.
Oh look, they found the one who can shoot. Very convenient.
Roll credits!
E is annoyed at the last words trope.
Yes, be optimistic.
N is laughing at Poe's inadequacies.
I want this dagger.
This is some Harry Potter shizzle here.
Does any of this move the plot forward? Like, it's fun, but it's also pointless.
Is she a Force healer now? P wants to know where this is in canon.
And the knights are now in Assassin's Creed.
Of course there's still power on this ship that's been abandoned for years.
I feel like we're getting the trailer scene now. I just don't know why.
Black in the desert? That's so last season.
Aww, the walking mop.
There's really no reason for this scene. I thought it was dumb before. I still think it's dumb.
Do or do not. Why are you trying?
Tug o' war is the new penis measuring.
Did they just kill Chewie? Those jerks.
THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!!!
I'm so lost.
Oh good, Chewie is alive.
This guy Richard is playing is the mole, right? Like, there's no other reason to pay this much attention to him, right?
We all have High School Musical vibes now. (P says the new HSM show is not good.)
I sense a new marketing opportunity in this droid.
Still very lost. What are we trying to accomplish?
Sure, put the girl in the skintight outfit. Disney is sexist.
Just kidding, girl power!
Ugh, I hate their musical cue.
Like, I thought JJ had already remade "A New Hope." Why are we doing it again?
I thought Rian Johnson was the only one dedicated to erasing the fun parts of Star Wars.
Y and N are in awe of the finger.
Now I'm getting Prince of Egypt vibes.
Aww, Poe, is this love? I'm weirded out that Keri Russell is in this movie.
Pausing for cookies.
P says Disney is basically that scene from "Rogue One" - "You are being rescued. Please do not resist."
So, our intermission was full of bathroom breaks, cookies, dance moves (Cuban shuffle?), and the legend of Zelda.
Okay, back to the movie. We're not even halfway through this thing.
Ugh.
I swear if there are Ewoks in this movie...
Why did the first two movies exist? They made absolutely no difference.
Dude, there are definitely more stormtroopers on this thing than infiltrators.
I don't know if I can accurately represent how much I don't care who Rey is.
Cool imagery, I have to say.
Really, Hux? That's so dumb. But then again, I don't remember what he did in the last movie. Did he do anything? And what's the point of Richard? What's his name?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SHE'S HIS FRICKIN' GRANDDAUGHTER? THAT'S SO FLIPPING DUMB.
I'm really confused about the timeline on this. Did Palpatine have a kid on Naboo? (Also, I shocked the children because I asked who in this universe would jump his bones. Oops.)
Y is really shipping Finn and Rey.
How many times can we wreck the Falcon before it's actually wrecked.
P is wondering how something that exploded can have debris on this random planet.
Has no one heard of erosion?
Y says the Death Star is now an oceanic reef. P says what about the fuel?
These are horses with mop heads on them.
See, this is an interesting stormtrooper story.
P is now outside looking for sasquatches.
I'm fine with Poe not being Leia.
Why did Palpatine need the Macguffin when he already had a Death Star? His hubris would never have allowed him to think he could fail.
Daisy had a lot of practice in slow turns, didn't she?
Look, I admire the writers' creativity in pulling all of this out of their butts. But where is it leading?
Now THAT is a cool lightsaber design.
I like Adam Driver as a person. But not as Kylo Ren.
(N is now referencing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.)
Y is questioning the efficacy of wet lightsabers. I concur.
They are both leaving themselves wide open in this battle.
Leia's making a collect call. Will he accept or decline?
Live by the sword, die by the sword...
OH COME ON!!!
We could have been done with him. We never had to see him again.
Oh, Leia's dead again.
How much did Harrison get paid for this movie?
Nice callback.
Oh good, we're destroying planets again.
"I wish the ring had never come to me."
General. General.
Luke just looks terrible.
I hate this backstory. I hate it so much.
I needed an X-wing. I hate this less now.
Y has reminded me of the milk thing. RUDE.
HSM is back.
That's a heckin' lot of ships.
You've got to be kidding me.
I'm being warned that I will hate the end of this movie. I'm inclined to agree.
That's the weirdest life support system I've ever seen.
Dude, get some new lines.
Nice archery. Totally unrealistic. But nice touch.
I've been quiet because this whole thing is dumb. Are these knights Sith? Or just weird ninja things?
Oh good, more Ben/Rey chats.
This is a better fight scene than the last movie. Someone's been training.
thisisnotathingthisisnotathingthisisnot
Oh, snap.
Dude, where have all of these people been this entire time?
IS THAT WEDGE ANTILLES? I LOVE WEDGE!!!
Who are all these robed figures? I'm so confused.
Talk about your overpowered villains.
Oh, good, only the non-important people are dying.
That was kinda cool, with all the voices. I didn't recognize all of them.
P thinks Palpatine looks like a smurf now.
Remember when these movies were simple? I do. I liked those days.
There goes Pryde.
Why can this boy feel the Force again? Did we ever establish that?
Oh good, Ben is back.
Aww, how cute. Ugh.
What a terrible ship.
I'm fine that he's dead. But that's super dumb.
I'm still confused about how this First Order/Empire thing worked. I never had any idea how it worked on a galactic scale. Just these little microcosms that told me nothing.
Oh, there are the Ewoks. Why not.
Learn how to flirt better, Poe.
Chewie finally got his medal!
Y just commented on how rank Rey must smell right now.
This trio was sadly underused.
Is that it? Are we done? Oh, good, Tatooine.
E and P are enjoying remembering whiny Luke.
FINALLY! She made her own lightsaber.
Ugh. Fine. Whatever.
Aaaand we're back on Zelda. Because this movie was just that forgettable.
Okay. Ratings:
Y says 2 out of 5 stars.
P says 4 out of 10, and 3 are for the cinematics. (1 is disgusting, 10 is amazing.)
E says 2 out of 5 because it completely invalidates the other movies.
N says 2.5 out of 5. Way to sit on the fence, Nermal.
Aggregate rating: 2. Out of however many new planets we were introduced to throughout this waste of worldbuilding.
I'm annoyed that I spent time on this movie. But I enjoyed my fellow watchers and their love for me, their true Supreme Overlord.
I love your live blogs. Except I've only seen this once, right after it came out, and I think I need to watch it again while scrolling through the blog to truly appreciate it completely.
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