Monday, May 16, 2016

Judgy McJudgerson

I have been laboring under a delusion for nigh unto thirty years.

I'm not going to say I blame my parents. But it was their job to give me proper biblical instruction. So I blame them a little. I'm also going to blame my Old Testament professor.

It is in no way my fault.

... of course not.

What is this delusion?

For some reason, I had always assumed that the book of Judges told the story of how all of Israel was ruled by one judge at a time. And the Israelites kept screwing up when they died.

To be fair, this is the pattern of the majority of the Old Testament. But there's a phrase in Judges that I missed or lacked an understanding of its importance.

You ready for this?

"In those days, Israel had no king. Everyone did as they saw fit."

I'll explain why that's so important in a moment.

Seriously, though, I've read Judges before. Right? I must have. Maybe I just heard the stories of the most famous judges and ignored the rest of it. This may, in fact, be the first time I've read it as a whole.

Whatever.

I've come to one overarching conclusion.

Judges be crazy!

Like, seriously.

Let's run through the list of judges in this book. And a few stories that don't have a particular judge attached. I'm also going to list their highlights.

Othniel: Nephew of Caleb; captured Kiriath Sepher, Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron; killed Cushan-Rishathaim, king of Aram; peace for 40 years; married his cousin after winning her by capturing Kiriath Sepher.

Ehud: Left-handed; stabbed Eglon, the Moabite king who was super fat, in the stomach; peace for 80 years.

Shamgar: Killed 600 Philistines with an oxgoad. What is an oxgoad, you ask?


 

Deborah: Woman; told Barak to fight Sisera; wrote a cool song; peace for 40 years.

Jael: Not a judge; total BA; also a woman; drove a tent peg into Sisera's head.

Gideon: Sneaky; methodical; probably an INTJ; had a cool dad; led 300 men to kill a ton of Midianites; screwed up later in life; had crap kids; peace for 40 years.

Abimelek and Jotham: Not judges; children of Gideon; one killed most of his brothers; the other made an epic speech and then ran away; Abi was killed by a woman.

Tola: Son of Dodo; led Israel 23 years.

Jair: Had 30 sons who rode 30 donkeys and lived in 30 towns; reminds me of the man from St. Ives; led Israel for 22 years.

Jephthah: Bastard child; led a gang; subdued Ammon; made a stupid vow; sacrificed his daughter as a burnt offering; the whole Shibboleth thing; killed people because they were mad he didn't invite them to kill other people; led Israel for 6 years.

Ibzan, Elon, Abdon: 7 years, 10 years, 8 years; more donkeys; lots of children.

Samson: Idiot; man; married a Philistine; killed a lion; killed 30 men; caught 300 foxes, set them on fire, and loosed them in Philistia; lost his wife; killed 1,000 men with a donkey's jawbone; trusted a woman; lost his hair; grew it back; killed more people at his death than during the 20 years he'd led Israel.


A donkey's jawbone for reference.

Micah: Random dude who wanted a personal priest; got his priest stolen; this is just a super weird story.

A Levite and His Concubine: No joke, that's how it's listed; may have actually been married; not a great marriage; she left him, he pursued her; there's a weird and oddly detailed interlude with her father; another oddly detailed interlude in a town square; he sends her out to be raped by a ton of guys; he cuts her up into a dozen pieces and sends her to the 12 tribes; pretty much led to the near complete destruction of the tribe of Benjamin.

Like, really? Just ... really? Look, I can understand why people freak out reading the Bible sometimes. This is just not acceptable behavior.

... which is kind of the point.

Let's go back to the beginning of the book of Judges. The Israelites have just spent 40 years in the wastelands. God has been with them every day, giving instruction on how to live when He's not physically present. Joshua carries on where Moses left off, conquering much of the land and giving the tribes a place to settle.

And after everyone who had been through the wars, wandered the desert, and followed Joshua died, their kids immediately forgot everything they had (presumably) been taught.

Well, most of them. See, this is where Judges gets confusing. Because it really just covers pockets of rebellion. Ephraim was stupid. Dan was stupid. Ephraim again. Benjamin. Over and over and over again.

And you get the sense that the author of Judges was just as flabbergasted as the rest of us. The beginning is fairly detailed. And then I think he (we don't actually know for sure who) realizes this is going to be a super long book if he goes into too much detail and just hits the highlights. Ruth helps us see a little of what the everyman was doing at this time. Pretty much whatever they thought the smart play was at the time.

But while some people followed God's commands, the vast majority did not. And the only explanation the author can give us is that there was no king in those days. No one to unite everyone under one banner, rally the troops, give instructions. Four times he reminds us of this. Twice in the story of Micah. Twice in the story of the Levite. After hearing those stories, I'd be looking for an explanation, too. (I also think he was a little afraid of strong women.)

Except the author was probably living during the reign of David. Maybe Saul. Decent kings who restored a little order. And he's forgetting a very important point. Physically present or not, Israel had a king.

God had united the people. He'd rescued them. He sent them out. He gave instructions. All they had to do was follow them.

And that precious, man-sized king of whom the author was so enamored? What happened during the years following Solomon's rule? Oh right. Israel went back to the same pattern they had followed during the time of the judges.

Clearly, having a human king made absolutely no difference. I could sum up most of the rest of the Old Testament the same way the author of Judges summed up his book.

"In those days, Israel had a king. Everyone still did as they saw fit."

Do not look to a political system to save you. Do not look to the government. Do not look to NGOs, corporations, private citizens, family, spouses, children, friends. Do not look to the church, even.

There is only one who can save.

Will you follow him?

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