I've got to hand it to Disney; they marketed their product well. Not once has it occurred to me over the last few months to not put the 'ah' in Moana. Not until the other day when someone talked about watching the "Mona" movie. So well done, guys.
(I originally thanked Michael Eisner until it occurred to me that he might no longer be in charge. So I asked Siri. Yeah, Eisner left in 2005. I feel old.)
Okay. So I toyed briefly with the idea of including time stamps in these so you'd be able to follow along better. But that's too much work for me. You'll be fine.
::cue the requisite traditional music that is opening all Disney movies now::
Well, no, in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Or, in the beginning, there was the Word. Or, alternatively, Mother Russia, which is what I'm calling Mother Island from now on.
I love the irony of calling this thing a warrior as he becomes a fat lizard.
Loki?
Oh. Maui.
Great bedtime story, Auntie.
Well, that's just adorable. Can I claim head canon baby Crush?
This child is Dead Sea-ing the ocean.
Found the heart, The End.
Oh.
I wonder, do these villagers ever get tired of humoring their chief's random dance breaks?
You're literally on an island. How do you keep her from the water?
I wanna play Chief Jenga.
I want a tattoo.
This kid, I love.
No offense, but I've seen this story before. Dad/Mom has high expectations for child. Child doesn't want to fulfill them. Mother/Father gives a heartfelt speech. Child does what they want anyway. Inexplicably, it works. Parent has to eat crow. Just once, I want the kid to develop a drug habit and admit they were wrong.
She's Saturday Night Live-ing this song. Admittedly, it's a good song.
That is not how leaves work.
Yes, set sail with no supplies and a pig.
I think I saw this in Their Finest Hour.
Did she just destroy coral? Where was the outcry?!
So, I'm curious, was this old woman the chief before the dude? Or her husband? You'd think she'd be taken a little more seriously.
Pretty sure this is how Steve Irwin died.
Is the idea of destiny okay as long as it's not your parents setting it?
One torch does not make that much light.
Those sails would crumble into dust at the first touch.
I want a haha before we're done.
Hey, Lin.
Uh, is "The Darkness" another name for "Climate Change?" Because that's the vibe I'm getting.
It's so nice of these particular stars to shine brighter just when this lady needs her to.
That went well.
And the death of the elder. Saw that one coming.
Oh, good. The chicken came along. Because we needed a weird animal friend.
Don't go sailing alone, kids. You'll end up like Truman.
I want magic hair that fixes itself after being buried in sand.
"Fish pee in you." That line is gold.
A Twitter joke? Really. No.
What a douchenozzle.
Was he building a statue of himself? And did she really just move a whole hunk of rocks?
I admit, I've never thought of the ocean as a character. I like it.
Oh look, it's a merchandising device. Why are coconuts attacking?
I can tell Lin Manuel Miranda had something to do with this movie because he likes referencing other movies. And I'm seeing another here with Waterworld.
Yes. Appeal to the man's ego. Works every time.
Yes. Disney has gone meta. Moana is a princess.
Oh, gross.
Got distracted. Where are we? Oh yeah. Nightmare Island. Thanks, Disney.
What accent is this? Whatever this thing is, it's hilarious.
This song is horrible, though.
And now I'm getting shades of The Emperor's New Groove.
No, I did not like the song.
Sharkhead, hoo haha.
Hey, kids, when someone doesn't want to talk about something, keep poking at them until they do. Consent doesn't matter! (Oops.)
And now I'm drawing parallels with abortion. What is this movie?
"You make your own fate" speech from the girl who believes the ocean chose her to return a stone to Mother Russia.
Even the ocean hate the chicken now. I completely understand.
I wonder how many kids think they know how to sail because they've watched this movie.
I'm calling this lava monster Diamond Head.
Diamond Head is a jerkwad.
Ooh. Dead hook. Dead hook is bad.
Wow, The Rock. That was harsh.
I'm trying to think of what the ocean reminds me of when it goes all blobby. It's not coming to me.
And visit from said dead elder. We're ticking all the boxes, aren't we?
The music is hit or miss for me.
Here's Diamond Head, again. I didn't need good dreams tonight.
Hey look, the chicken was good for something.
And Maui's change of heart. Tick.
Nice. Whale trick.
Umm. The ocean is cheating now. Could we not do that before?
Dead hook is seriously dead now. I have a feeling it will be back.
Diamond Head is Mother Russia. Who knew?
Aaaaand I got my Haka. Nice.
Prince of Egypt.
Hmm. So volcanos also form islands. That should have been obvious that they were the same.
I told you he'd get his hook back.
Which island is this? I feel like I'm supposed to recognize it.
Aww, he tattooed the young girl on his chest. That's not weird at all.
Umm, a shell doesn't really work with the whole stone motif they've got going.
Is everyone leaving the island? I'm confused.
I don't like whoever is covering this song.
Well, that was fun. I didn't have any major quibbles. I just feel like, with every movie I see now, I've seen it before.
Nothing new under the sun, I guess.
Hold up. Alan Tudyk was in this movie? As the CHICKEN?!
I take it all back. I'm done.
(I originally thanked Michael Eisner until it occurred to me that he might no longer be in charge. So I asked Siri. Yeah, Eisner left in 2005. I feel old.)
Okay. So I toyed briefly with the idea of including time stamps in these so you'd be able to follow along better. But that's too much work for me. You'll be fine.
::cue the requisite traditional music that is opening all Disney movies now::
Well, no, in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Or, in the beginning, there was the Word. Or, alternatively, Mother Russia, which is what I'm calling Mother Island from now on.
I love the irony of calling this thing a warrior as he becomes a fat lizard.
Loki?
Oh. Maui.
Great bedtime story, Auntie.
Well, that's just adorable. Can I claim head canon baby Crush?
This child is Dead Sea-ing the ocean.
Found the heart, The End.
Oh.
I wonder, do these villagers ever get tired of humoring their chief's random dance breaks?
You're literally on an island. How do you keep her from the water?
I wanna play Chief Jenga.
I want a tattoo.
This kid, I love.
No offense, but I've seen this story before. Dad/Mom has high expectations for child. Child doesn't want to fulfill them. Mother/Father gives a heartfelt speech. Child does what they want anyway. Inexplicably, it works. Parent has to eat crow. Just once, I want the kid to develop a drug habit and admit they were wrong.
She's Saturday Night Live-ing this song. Admittedly, it's a good song.
That is not how leaves work.
Yes, set sail with no supplies and a pig.
I think I saw this in Their Finest Hour.
Did she just destroy coral? Where was the outcry?!
So, I'm curious, was this old woman the chief before the dude? Or her husband? You'd think she'd be taken a little more seriously.
Pretty sure this is how Steve Irwin died.
Is the idea of destiny okay as long as it's not your parents setting it?
One torch does not make that much light.
Those sails would crumble into dust at the first touch.
I want a haha before we're done.
Hey, Lin.
Uh, is "The Darkness" another name for "Climate Change?" Because that's the vibe I'm getting.
It's so nice of these particular stars to shine brighter just when this lady needs her to.
That went well.
And the death of the elder. Saw that one coming.
Oh, good. The chicken came along. Because we needed a weird animal friend.
Don't go sailing alone, kids. You'll end up like Truman.
I want magic hair that fixes itself after being buried in sand.
"Fish pee in you." That line is gold.
A Twitter joke? Really. No.
What a douchenozzle.
Was he building a statue of himself? And did she really just move a whole hunk of rocks?
I admit, I've never thought of the ocean as a character. I like it.
Oh look, it's a merchandising device. Why are coconuts attacking?
I can tell Lin Manuel Miranda had something to do with this movie because he likes referencing other movies. And I'm seeing another here with Waterworld.
Yes. Appeal to the man's ego. Works every time.
Yes. Disney has gone meta. Moana is a princess.
Oh, gross.
Got distracted. Where are we? Oh yeah. Nightmare Island. Thanks, Disney.
What accent is this? Whatever this thing is, it's hilarious.
This song is horrible, though.
And now I'm getting shades of The Emperor's New Groove.
No, I did not like the song.
Sharkhead, hoo haha.
Hey, kids, when someone doesn't want to talk about something, keep poking at them until they do. Consent doesn't matter! (Oops.)
And now I'm drawing parallels with abortion. What is this movie?
"You make your own fate" speech from the girl who believes the ocean chose her to return a stone to Mother Russia.
Even the ocean hate the chicken now. I completely understand.
I wonder how many kids think they know how to sail because they've watched this movie.
I'm calling this lava monster Diamond Head.
Diamond Head is a jerkwad.
Ooh. Dead hook. Dead hook is bad.
Wow, The Rock. That was harsh.
I'm trying to think of what the ocean reminds me of when it goes all blobby. It's not coming to me.
And visit from said dead elder. We're ticking all the boxes, aren't we?
The music is hit or miss for me.
Here's Diamond Head, again. I didn't need good dreams tonight.
Hey look, the chicken was good for something.
And Maui's change of heart. Tick.
Nice. Whale trick.
Umm. The ocean is cheating now. Could we not do that before?
Dead hook is seriously dead now. I have a feeling it will be back.
Diamond Head is Mother Russia. Who knew?
Aaaaand I got my Haka. Nice.
Prince of Egypt.
Hmm. So volcanos also form islands. That should have been obvious that they were the same.
I told you he'd get his hook back.
Which island is this? I feel like I'm supposed to recognize it.
Aww, he tattooed the young girl on his chest. That's not weird at all.
Umm, a shell doesn't really work with the whole stone motif they've got going.
Is everyone leaving the island? I'm confused.
I don't like whoever is covering this song.
Well, that was fun. I didn't have any major quibbles. I just feel like, with every movie I see now, I've seen it before.
Nothing new under the sun, I guess.
Hold up. Alan Tudyk was in this movie? As the CHICKEN?!
I take it all back. I'm done.
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