Trolls Live Blog

I marked this movie for a live blog the second I heard about it. Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick playing creepy, hairy dolls with fake gems for belly buttons?

It's a no-brainer. 

I didn't really play with trolls as a child. They were created before I was born, and despite a brief resurgence (so Wikipedia tells me) in the 90s, I really only remember having a couple of them and not really doing anything with them. 

Seriously, what do you do with trolls?

Make a movie, apparently. (Which is just a huge cash grab for Dreamworks, because they bought the original company in 2013, after they had announced a movie was being made.)

Let's do this.

(Netflix just informed me that Russell Brand is also in this movie. Not off to a good start, guys.)

Singing, dancing, and hugging sounds horrible. But the intro is funny.

Trollsyice?

I think I'm going to like the music, though.

This child is super annoying.

Why only eat trolls once a year? You literally own the tree. Start chopping those suckers up. Start a new restaurant for the elite. This could be your own foi gras.

This is what happens when you only eat trolls once a year - they plan elaborate escape plots. That apparently have to happen on the one day a year when literally everyone has their eyes fixed on your tree?

Is that right? Trolls grow on trees? How does that even work?

Nope. Toilet humor is also on my no-no list.

Woah. Full monty, there, fella.

Dude. Jeffrey Tambor sounded a lot like Robin Williams there.

Sure. Blame the weird chef for your own incompetence. Makes total sense. 

Let me guess... this kid finds happiness without eating a troll, thus dispelling the myth that only troll soufflé can make one happy. Does he fall in love with the servant girl? Because she is giving off stalker vibes.

John Cleese is also in this movie. Points gained!

Creepy child.

There's no way this can be a productive society.

Do they know Michael Jackson? He apparently exists in this universe, what with the P.Y.T. references.

James Corden!

How does that hair even work? And how horrible must that have been for the mother?

Wait. How do trolls reproduce?

They are certainly widely traveled with so many accents. Is this pre- or post-Tower of Babel in their history?

So there's definitely a life cycle.

Oh, Branch. You are your people's Cassandra.

Branch is my spirit animal. Or spirit troll.

And now I'm wondering if the trolls have a god. Or religion. 

I was right. Russell Brand is going to annoy me.

How does a troll evolve to become so unhappy when happiness is apparently the only gene available in the pool?

I'm loving the wooden wheels on this camper. 

That is not a troll. What is this Jamaican-sounding creature?

Seriously, these Bergen things are 1,000x taller than you, and you don't run further away?

He just pooped cupcakes.

I could have told you that hair was a disadvantage.

Okay, for how long were these trolls food? At least long enough for every Bergen to eat at least one (there's another question - do they only get one in their lifetime?). So why did it take so long to escape?

I want Morphmagus hair.

I've often pondered the wisdom of the "no man left behind" policy. On one hand, I totally get it. Every life is valuable, even if we pretend it isn't in every other circumstance. But on the other hand, throwing several lives after one does not satisfy my mental math.

It's convenient that all the ones taken were Poppy's special friends.

I thought Branch smashed the scrapbook thing.

I support this level of paranoia.

Branch is a Prepper. 

How does Poppy get out through the maze of bear traps?

Is this what troll eminent domain looks like?

Hug time is my hell.

She stopped to scrapbook her journey so far? This will go well.

Ah, the circle of life. How has this plant not killed everything around it, yet?

This song is annoyingly catchy.

Wow. Life on a small scale is terrifying.

Look, it's Frodo at the end of The Two Towers. There are even spiders.

And Samwise Gamgee. Who has a frying pan.

When did this become Lord of the Rings?

She is literally scrapbooking his plan! I was really hoping for that.

Where is she hiding all of these scrapbooking tools? I am well aware of how many of those things can accrue over a lifetime. My sister has a basement full of stuff she hasn't touched in years.

Branch and I just said the same thing at the same time. I'm tellin' ya. Spirit troll.

Again. Convenient that she has photos of everyone who was taken.

Is this the first hug time since they left? It can't be. So this conversation makes no sense. Also, I'm betting that hug timer thing comes into play later.

The Sound of Silence. Nice.

Into the fire goes the ukulele. Saw that one coming.

Valid question: who would wear socks without shoes?

This cloud is weird.

I've seen maybe two of these handshakes.

How did all of these Bergens survive being so depressed all the time?

An auto-tuned troll, really? I hate it.

I'm fairly certain most of those trolls could get out of that cage.

"And I bet you weren't expecting this!" "Agh!" "Oh wait, no that's okay."

Hug time. Called it.

I just keep seeing the evil stepmother from Into the Woods whenever I hear the chef.

Yup. Stalker.

Whack-a-troll. Classic.

Aww, dead Grandma.

Okay, Trollstice happens once a year. You don't keep your children (or grandchildren) inside the tree on this day?

"No, it was like an angel's." Yeah, okay, Justin.

This is a weird mix of Grease, Cyrano de Bergerac, and Ratatouille. 

And a little Cinderella for good measure.

Okay, the thing with the skate was funny.

Maybe Peter Pan? With the crocodile?

Is it a croc or an alligator? 

Did not see the traitor coming, though it is Russell Brand. So, you know...

What an asshole. (Sorry, not sorry.)

Jump in anytime, Branch.

Well, we solved that whole "trolls are appetizing" problem.

Get with it, Bridget. 

I like the mix of pop songs and original songs. Though it's a little jarring.

Do they not synchronize their watches? I realize it makes a better song. But these are the things I think about.

Guys. Do you not realize that being sad means you don't get eaten? Probably not the message you meant to send.

Okay, what is that creature? It's weird.

Bridget to the rescue. 

Ah, love. The secret to being happy. 

Now that's an entrance.

I am so good at predicting these things.

Okay, there's a huge difference between being happy and having joy. If you search for happiness only, you're going to be constantly disappointed. So good luck with that, Bergens.

Good song.

Did they just light the chef on fire? And the traitor, apparently. That's some Disney level justice, there.

How do they hug with such large heads? This will haunt my dreams.

I guess Zooey Deschanel was in this? You couldn't prove it by me. Wait, was she Bridget? I did NOT hear that at all. 

So. That was ... cute? I guess. Not terrible. Not earth-shattering. 

I'd probably watch it again.