My Brain Is Trying to Kill Me

Okay. Let's do this.

So, I've kinda hinted around this, sometimes openly stated things, but I wanted to be really open about what I'm dealing with right now. 

In addition to the ongoing other health concerns, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 

What is that, you ask.

Well, it's really in the name. But let's focus on the 'generalized' portion because that's what makes it unique to each individual and also what makes it so annoying.

Google will tell you a lot about this topic. It's characterized by persistent and excessive worry or fear. It's caused by a combination of environmental and biological factors. It can manifest in a hundred different ways. And because it's general, there's nothing specific to cure or work on. 

What does it look like for me? I'm pretty much always on edge. I feel constant tension in every muscle. I get restless, I'm tired all the time, and at times, I can find it difficult to breathe. My heart starts racing. I can be very claustrophobic. I don't like driving because I feel like I'm stuck in my car. I have to constantly be doing something to keep my brain active and distracted. Sometimes it's not enough. And it feels like it's never going to end.

So, questions. Lord knows, I've had many, and I'm sure you do as well. I'm happy to answer yours when I can, but hopefully, the following will cover the bases.

1. What caused it?

Great question. I would love to be able to lay all the blame on the pandemic. But if I'm honest, which I try to be, this has been brewing since before the pandemic. Did the pandemic exacerbate it? Absolutely. It has made my world very small. But there have also been financial stressors, political upheaval, social unrest... Take your pick. There are also genetic factors. Depression runs in my family. My personality is such that my brain has always worked against me. I overthink things. So if you're looking for a specific cause that can be removed and cure me, you (and I) are out of luck.

2. What are you doing about it?

I'm working with my doctors to find the right medication. I have therapy appointments. I talk to my family. I pray a lot. I'm hoping being more open about this will help as well. There's a stigma around mental health. I've had to fight against my own instincts to keep it hidden. But it doesn't help to not talk about it. Keeping quiet just makes my world that much smaller, and that's not good for someone with claustrophobia. I'm not okay. And that's okay. I'm learning how to take things sometimes an hour at a time. 

3. Are you still able to work?

I do what I can. Some days are better than others. I concentrate on getting as much done on those days as I can. Other days are less productive. My bosses have been pretty understanding of my situation. I take sick time when I need it. But I mostly use weekends to recharge for the week.

4. You're a Christian. Shouldn't you trust God to take this away? Why would God make you experience this? Shouldn't you be stronger?

Oi. Hit me where it hurts why don't you? Seriously, though, I ask myself these questions. Especially that last one. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling weak. I feel like I should be better at handling this. I should be stronger. I should have more faith. How can I be a missionary who teaches people about Jesus and yet be struggling so much to even breathe sometimes?

I can't answer these questions. I can say that my faith in God is the only thing keeping me going every day. It's the only thing giving me purpose and meaning. I cling to 2 Timothy 1:7 - for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. It gives me hope that this will end. I'm being open about this because I know other people will be experiencing similar things, and I want you to know that you're not alone. There is hope. 

Like I said, I know you'll have questions. Please feel free to ask them. I'll answer as best I can. I'm still working this out. I'm not particularly enjoying it. But I want to totally honest about life right now. And life is rough.