The Missionary Question

Sweet butter crumpets.

There's a link under there, in case you were wondering. Please, take a few moments to read that post, and then come on back, because I have a few things to say.

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I assume you've read it. Depending on your background, you probably had a few different reactions to it. Believe me, I've heard them all. I'm interested in your thoughts.

But I'm going to focus on my own experiences with this for a few minutes. Possibly longer. There's a lot rolling around in my head right now. I'm going to get very personal. I intend to share some things that I don't usually because they may not fit in with your idea of what a missionary should think or say. It's not that I've never felt these things before. It's just that I've always felt the need to censor myself on certain things. There's a voice in my head that is always reminding me, "If people really knew you'd thought these things, if people knew these things had happened, if people really knew... They'd never support you."

So we're going to test that out.

Do you know the #1 question I get asked when I share in churches? It doesn't matter if it's before or after I've spoken. I will inevitably get this question: So where are you going?

Short answer: I'm not. I'm a missionary who lives in the U.S.

Long answer: Why do I have to be going somewhere? I'm going to Greenwood, Indiana, where I live. Does that count? There's a whole building there full of people who have both gone and not gone to places other than the United States. We have the same goals as people who have "gone" somewhere. Or do you want to know about the short-term trips I've been on? I can make them sound like they were longer. More involved. Can I skip this question and talk about the people who use the materials I create? They live in places like Peru and India. In fact, they've lived in Peru and India their entire lives. Why does the work they do in their home country count for more than the work I do in my home country?

Except I can't say that. It's antagonistic. I can't tell people I work behind-the-scenes because that is apparently code for "not a real missionary." I catch myself distinguishing between homeland missionaries and field missionaries. Field missionaries come here all the time and thank us for the work we do in supporting them. And I appreciate that. I just don't know a lot of other people who do.

Field missionaries go to churches and tell dynamic stories about all the people they've led to Christ. I go to churches and tell people about the field missionaries who led people to Christ using the materials I created on my computer. Somehow, being just that little bit removed from the action makes what I do less than.

I try to make up for it. I tell people less about how I spend my time and more about the impact T&M has on countries around the world. Have I been to these countries? Some of them, sure. But mainly as an observer. Sometimes as a trainer. For some, it's been years and had nothing to do with OMS. And I haven't been out of this country since 2013. That hurts my soul.

I can't talk about how I miss my family. My parents live two hours away. I have regular(ish) phone contact with my sisters. What is there to miss? I can't say that I missed my grandmother's funeral because of work. Because I was dealing with some pretty serious problems with my job. That I was about to not have a job, and I had interviews and meetings, and it didn't matter that I was still in the States - I couldn't make it happen. (In fact, it might have been easier to go if I'd been out of the country. I know. It's weird, but true.)

I have family that doesn't support what I do. I have family that doesn't really know what I do. I have family that doesn't like it when I ask for money. I also have family that supports me unconditionally. It runs the gamut.

All of this runs through my head every time I write a prayer letter or plan a supporter event or go speak in churches. I try to guess what people are thinking when they hear me. I'm trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator, but all too often, that seems to me to be people who really don't know what I do, don't care, and don't really believe that what I do counts as missionary work.

I'm sorry about that. I'll try to think better of you.

But I also have to stop making excuses for myself. I have to stop thinking of myself as less than.

I am a missionary.

I was called by God to this position and this place.

I'm good at what I do.

My job is vital in this ministry.

My salary comes through donations made by people who either believe in me or in this ministry.

I can't force people into either category. They have to follow God's leading (or not) to support me.

Side note: I made a deal with God when I first became a missionary. You can argue the theology of that all you want, but I felt like God was telling me that it was okay to put out a fleece. (Personally, I think Gideon was mostly a chump. But he followed through on what the fleece was telling him to do. And I can do no less.)

My fleece was pretty simple. As long as there were funds in my account, I would stay with OMS. That was my sign that God wanted me to stick around. Simple, right?

Twice now I have been miraculously kept in the OMS family. The first time, my account was $10,000 in deficit. Seems like a pretty obvious sign of being released, right? I didn't just give up. I spent a summer doing fundraising. I gave it my all. And I raised slightly more than it cost to travel that summer. I was ready to go. I didn't want to. But a deal's a deal. But then I got a job offer from someone at OMS to help set up a new project. I literally left OMS on Friday and started back the following Tuesday (it was Labor Day weekend).

I knew I had a job for at least 8 months. That stretched to 11. And then for a month, I had no job. I was ready to leave OMS at that point. I wanted to. But I didn't feel like God was releasing me. And I kept showing him my rapidly emptying bank account. We had a deal! But God sent me to ECC.

True, I get a stipend from ECC. They needed someone to fill this position, and they needed that person right away. But I knew going in that the stipend would only last so long. It'll be gone soon. And to stay at OMS, I have to make up the difference.

Slightly less than half of my monthly requirements come in through donations right now. The rest will come from a small cushion in my support account. That's what I'm trying to raise when I speak at churches.

Whew. I wasn't sure I was going to make it back around to my original point.

This is all stuff I don't tell people. I don't know if people even want to know these things. I don't mind people knowing. But it feels like I'm trying to guilt people into giving. Please help the poor missionary! Yet it's the reality of being a missionary. We don't do this job to be rich. But being not poor would be nice, too.

Look, it's no secret that 'going somewhere' ups your missionary cred. And believe me, if I was called to serve in another country, I'd go. I have no doubt I'd get a lot of new supporters. But I'm called to be here. Do I believe God will provide? Yes. But I'm also human. I worry. I have doubts. I think about the magical formula of what will make people interested in giving to support my ministry. I downplay the nine hours I spend on my computer every day working with InDesign files (and agonizing over blog posts). I mention the possibility of trips to Israel and the Philippines as evidence that I'm actually going to do something as a missionary.

You know, I use that verse the article mentioned a lot when I speak in churches. Romans 12 and I are like this. I try to be subtle in pointing out that I'm just as much of a missionary as those guys with pictures of cute children and huts in Africa.

I may look different.

But I'm exactly what God called me to be.

Would you like to support my ministry with OMS? You can follow this link for handy-dandy online giving. Or you can leave a comment for more information.

You can also hear more of my particular brand of wit and wisdom May 21 at OMS in Greenwood, Indiana. I'll be giving an up close and personal view of what my missionary journey looks like. You can comment or email for more info on that, too.