It was my penultimate day at OMS.

That's weird.

I knew it would happen someday. But things have been happening a little too fast for me to really process. Between finishing up projects at the office and looking for a new job, I've been going a little crazy.

So what else is new?

But we must look forward. I'll still be in Greenwood for a while. I have a temporary job. 

Don't think about what I'm leaving behind. 

The Squire's Tales are Ending

So I'm a reader.

Like, I read a lot.

A. Lot.

Pretty much every day, in fact.

I read a lot of different things. I read magazines because they incorporate a lot of different information into a small space. I read history books because history is awesome. I read commentaries and newspapers and fanfiction and classics andpretty much everything.

But I'm hesitant to read a lot of fiction. I don't immediately rush out to buy the new bestseller. Part of that is my inherent anti-establishment nature. Part of it is because a lot of what is being written these days is crap.

But the biggest reason I hesitate to read fiction is that I don't already know the ending. I get so emotionally invested in stories that a sad, surprise ending can send me into a spiral of despair for days. I have to be careful about what I read. I have to guard my heart.

But I can't just stop reading. Sometimes I have to take that risk.

So now we get to the point.

A few years ago (more like fifteen or so), I started a lovely little series by Gerald Morris. This is one of the best series I've read ever. In my life. I suppose technically they are considered Young Adult, but I really think everyone would enjoy them. It's funny, it's (somewhat) historical, it's smart, and it's moral. The series is based loosely on the story of King Arthur, but each book really focuses on a young man named Terence, the squire of Sir Gawain, and the people he interacts with at court. There are many fantasy elements to the books as well as Terence deals with the Seelie Court and the fairies. They are just so well written, and I have loved each and every book.

Except now I have a problem. There are ten books in this series. I've read nine. The tenth is about to arrive on my doorstep.

And I know how the story of King Arthur ends.

I'm already emotionally invested in these characters' lives. So I can't not read the book.

But it's going to be sad. I know it. You know it. The whole world knows it.

(There's a photo going around the internet with the caption 'Is it possible to have PTSD from books?' The answer is yes.)

So I suppose this is serving as a warning. If I seem more despondent than usual, you know I've read the book.

Of course, as soon as I've finished it, I'm going to have to read the series all over again. Does that count as self-sabotage?

(Seriously, read the books. They are awesome.)

Official

It's officially official.

I'm leaving OMS.

There will be a letter soon, probably without nearly enough explanation. I'll try to explain a little bit on here as I can. The reasons mostly have to do with funding. It's definitely been an interesting time emotionally. I've been very up and down. On the one hand, I'm positive that this is God's will. (In case you were wondering, yes, this is what the fleece was about. No dew.) On the other hand, I literally don't know what comes next. My eyes are open. I just need to keep trusting that God knows what He's doing.

(On a side note, OMS has decided to stop capitalizing God pronouns. I can't quite get out of the habit. We're also using the serial comma now. It's both a blessing and a curse.)

So yeah, that's my life right now.

I would happily accept any ideas.

Totally, Gideon

Then Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said." And it was so. When he rose early next morning and squeezed the fleece, he wrung enough dew from the fleece to fill a bowl with water. Then Gideon said to God, "Let not your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. Please let me test just once more with the fleece. Please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew." And God did so that night; and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew. (Judges 6:36-40 ESV)

I've always liked Gideon. It probably started because of his penchant for breaking things and causing a ruckus. But over time, I think I've grown to understand him more, to relate to him. Gideon was living in a land occupied by the enemy. His own people were ambivalent about God and worshiped idols. Gideon himself has some issues. (I love how Gideon responds to the angel of the Lord in the ESV translations. "Pardon me, my Lord, but...") He's lived with his problems for a while. He's not of a great tribe. He's not happy with what's going on, but when the angel tells him to be a leader, Gideon puts his hand up and says, "Woah. Are you who I think you are? Just sit tight while I make sure. You're not going anywhere, right?"

And then he gets a sign and realizes he's been staring into the face of God. And God says, "Peace, dude. You ain't gonna die."

And all Gideon really wants is peace. He wants to be left alone. So he builds an altar. And he's probably feeling the rush of adrenaline from this experience, so when God tells him to tear down the altars of the idols, he does it. But he's not an idiot. Who starts a rebellion in broad daylight? So he does it at night.

Like that helps. The town went all CSI and totally figured out that Gideon tore down the altars. And then Gideon's dad gets into it, probably because Gideon took the first camel out of town. And Joash is totally cool. "If Baal's a god, let him deal with Gideon." Gideon's name changes. (It meant 'destroyer' before. He probably felt totally inadequate as a child.) (Someday, I need to do a study of all the guys who had their names changed by God. There has to be a really cool reason for it.)

Gideon still has to save Israel. But he's not convinced he's the guy for it. So he does the logical thing. He puts out a fleece with some pretty specific parameters. And God answers. But that first one might have been a fluke. So he says, "Uh, don't be mad. But maybe you could do that again?" And God totally sighs and says, "Really, man?" but answers the second one, too.

Now this raises some interesting questions. Obviously, people don't go putting out physical fleeces (or at least I don't know anyone who has) these days. But to me, it seems like a really brilliant method for solving things. You know that it's God answering and you know what he wants you to do. The problem for a lot of people is that putting out a fleece doesn't show a lot of faith. Especially when you double check your results.

And yet Gideon is totally mentioned in Hebrews in the faith chapter. His weakness was turned to strength. Gideon went on to do something totally cool and amazing. He even has an organization named after him, though the reasons for that are totally not explained on the website. Of course, he had a little problem with fame later on, but we already know nobody's perfect.

All this to say, I don't have a problem with metaphorical fleeces. But they are not to be used lightly. And (this is very important) you have to be willing to accept the answer. Gideon did not believe he could do what he was being asked to do. So he asked for a sign. And I don't think he was all that thrilled with the answer. So he asked again. Same answer. And you really shouldn't ignore God when he tells you the same thing twice. Gideon had to accept that yes, God really did want him to lead Israel to victory against their oppressors. Here's the cool thing about Gideon, though. After he got his answer, he didn't hesitate. God told him that 32,000 men was too many. Gideon didn't question it when God whittled that number down to 300. Gideon was not a Spartan. He knew that without God on their side, 300 guys couldn't fight off an entire army. But he never hesitated. He drove off an army with lamps and trumpets. (And then swords because he didn't stop chasing them for a while. Gideon started living up to his name quite well.)

What had Gideon wanted more than anything when this started? Peace. And after that one fight, Israel had peace for the rest of Gideon's life.

Of course, then his son was a complete ass. But that's another story.

So yeah, I like Gideon. And this week, I'm following his example. After much deliberation, and my father's blessing, the (metaphorical) fleece has been cast. I am assured of an answer by Friday. I know it will be from God. And I will accept the result.