Today I'm thinking about my sister Jill. She would have been 37 this year. I wonder sometimes what she would have been like. Would we have gotten along? Would she have helped me hide flamingoes around Jennifer's house? Would she have been a bridge in communication with Julie? I don't know. She died less than an hour after she was born.

Today I'm thinking about Travis. I don't know how old he would be. I was friends with his sister. She and I had a math class together, and we bonded over how much we disliked it. My dad drove me to the viewing. I hugged his sister for what felt like hours. I cried silently on the way home. I don't remember talking to her much after that. He was probably 11 or 12 when he died.

Today I'm thinking about Josh Linthicum. He would have been 27. I knew him from church. He was shy, but when he smiled, you could tell he was a little mischievous. I was in Poland when I heard. Most of the teens were there on a mission trip. I held them as they mourned, and then did it again when we were back in Poland four years later on the anniversary. He died when he was 15.

Today I'm thinking about Joshua. He would have been 8 this year. I had just started at OMS. I followed his fight to live through the words of his mother. I followed the pettiness and vile, hateful words other people wrote after he died. I felt helpless through all of it. He was 51 days old when he died.

Today I'm thinking about Oliver. He would be a little over a year old. I didn't know his parents well, but I knew people who knew them. I knew there was a risk. I sighed in relief when he was born. I sighed in grief when he died unexpectedly shortly thereafter.

Today I'm thinking about Elijah. He was a bright, inquisitive boy. He was full of energy when I saw him at his mother's (my coworker's) baptism this summer. I can't reconcile that image with the knowledge that he was only 5 when he died yesterday.

I don't know why children die. I know how. I get the science of it. I know the facts. But I don't know why. And rarely do I know what to do. It's not really about me, of course. But I'm really the only one I have control of at any given moment. And my instinct, every time, is to run away. I tend to deal with things by not dealing with them.

Healthy, I know.

But I can also pray. I can pray for my parents, who lost a daughter. I can pray for Travis' parents, who lost a son, and his sister, who lost a brother. I can pray for Ralph and Tanya and Shane and Jill and Will and Joylily, whose grief doesn't really fade with the passing of time but becomes something undefinable. And I can pray for Taylor, who woke up this morning as a mother without a son.

Why? God alone knows. And I have to figure out how to be okay with that.

And now, the lovely and talented Arika B...

I've been having some trouble getting a new post around, and my wonderful friend Arika was kind enough to guest star. Over to you, dearie...


I met Jessica on Friday, August 20, 2004. I’d like to say she made a lasting impression on me. But she didn’t. I only know I met her that day because it was Freshman Orientation at Huntington College (now University) and we were in the same College Life class. Each semester we had classes together, we both worked at the library - we even started a short-lived American Historical Film Society our sophomore year.
But I did not really get to “know” Jessica until our junior year when her computer came down with a bad case of the blue screen of death and she asked for my assistance fixing it. It’s amazing how a technology crisis draws people closer. I will always be grateful for that crazy computer. It had so many odd problems that year - I must have spent at least a two weeks total working on it. The result: Jessica had a mostly working computer and we gained a closer friendship.
Since that time Jessica has become a rock in my life and I try to be the same for her. When something joyous or devastating occurs - I call Jessica, confident she will drop everything and listen. I do the same for her. The last few months we have drawn even closer together as we watched our mutual friend, Jill Haskins struggle through the pregnancy, birth and death of her son Joshua.
As a member of World Gospel Church of Terre Haute, IN, a church with very close ties to OMS, it was almost surreal to learn her plans to work for organization. I have observed Jessica the last few years as she raised funding for OMS and am convinced that regardless of how ‘atypical’ a missionary she is, Jessica is where God wants her. The closer Jessica and I become, the more I am amazed at the extent of our similarities - sometimes its scary! I am confident that we are friends for life. We will probably end up in the same nursing home where she will organize my pills, while I fix her hearing aid.
I could ramble on and on telling you about Jessica and our adventures together, but I’ll end with this: if you have computer problems, ask for help. If you are asked to fix a computer, do it. You never know when a computer problem may bless your life more than you could ever dream.

Tomorrow, I hope to get a new post about OMS life out for you to read. But right now, I want to give an update on Joshua Haskins. I shared a couple of weeks ago about his situation, and you can read that post below.

Last Wednesday, Jesus took Joshua home. I wanted to thank you all for your prayers for Joshua and his family, and I would ask you to continue praying for Jill and Shane and their children Caleb and Hannah. I would also encourage you to visit Jill's blog to add your thoughts and prayers.

As a rule, I don't post really personal thoughts on this blog for a couple reasons. I prefer to use it as more of an informative tool, and to be perfectly honest, I am a very private person. This situation with Jill and Joshua, however, has raised a lot of questions and deeper issues in my mind. It has been very difficult to continue on with normal life in the face of such a tragedy. Even now, I don't know if I'm actually going to post this.

Please just keep the situation in your prayers, and please pray for me as I work through some of these issues.

Joshua

I'd like to share something that has been on my heart for the past few months. There is a link, over to the right, that will take you to my friend Jill's blog. It's been up for awhile, because Jill is always posting amusing stories about her kids (Caleb and Hannah), reflections on being a wife and mother, and is generally incredibly profound.

For the past few months, though, Jill has been posting updates about her son Joshua. A few months into her pregnancy, Jill and her husband Shane were told that their baby had a severe heart defect called HLHS. Jill shared this information on her blog and kept her growing audience up to date with doctor's visits, milestones reached and valleys conquered. She detailed the procedures Joshua would have to endure following his birth, fully embracing her new role as a Heart Mom.

Jill and I met in college. We worked at the library together, established one of those crazy inside jokes, and just had a good time hanging out. After college, though, I lost track of Jill. We were busy - she was a new mom, I was finishing school and trying to figure out what to do with my life. We're on the peripheral of each other's lives. I follow her on facebook and through her blog. Jill became one of my prayer supporters as I began raising support to work at OMS.

Slightly more than a month ago, Joshua was born. He is an adorable little boy. Jill posts pictures of him on facebook and twitter, and underneath the tubes and wires, you can see his sweet spirit.

He had his first surgery a week after he was born. It's been an uphill battle since then. I read about everything they have gone through, and I wonder when the mountain will stop growing. Joshua's second surgery was scheduled for February. It will now likely take place tomorrow - today, by the time I post this.

Through all of this, Jill has continued to blog. She doesn't have to. No one would blame her if she stopped. Every day, I read about her fear, pain, frustration and despair at what is happening to her little boy. But I also read about her faith - her abiding, constant faith that God will see her family through this. I read about her joy that people have been able to seek God because of Joshua. I read about her love for her husband and kids who she hasn't seen in days.

Jill is the strongest person I know. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I wish I had her faith. I wish I could be a better friend. I pray that Joshua will grow up to be a strong man, sure in the foundation of faith his mother has given him.

Pray for the doctors and nurses who care for Joshua. Pray for Jill, that she will continue to draw strength from the Father. Pray for Shane, as he is unable to be with Jill at the hospital. Pray for Caleb and Hannah, separated from their mother and brother. Pray for the lives that Joshua's story has touched already.

Pray for Joshua.

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exaulted in the earth." The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Psalm 46:9-11

Please pray for my friend Jill. She's in a very difficult place right now.