Trolls Live Blog

I marked this movie for a live blog the second I heard about it. Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick playing creepy, hairy dolls with fake gems for belly buttons?

It's a no-brainer. 

I didn't really play with trolls as a child. They were created before I was born, and despite a brief resurgence (so Wikipedia tells me) in the 90s, I really only remember having a couple of them and not really doing anything with them. 

Seriously, what do you do with trolls?

Make a movie, apparently. (Which is just a huge cash grab for Dreamworks, because they bought the original company in 2013, after they had announced a movie was being made.)

Let's do this.

(Netflix just informed me that Russell Brand is also in this movie. Not off to a good start, guys.)

Singing, dancing, and hugging sounds horrible. But the intro is funny.

Trollsyice?

I think I'm going to like the music, though.

This child is super annoying.

Why only eat trolls once a year? You literally own the tree. Start chopping those suckers up. Start a new restaurant for the elite. This could be your own foi gras.

This is what happens when you only eat trolls once a year - they plan elaborate escape plots. That apparently have to happen on the one day a year when literally everyone has their eyes fixed on your tree?

Is that right? Trolls grow on trees? How does that even work?

Nope. Toilet humor is also on my no-no list.

Woah. Full monty, there, fella.

Dude. Jeffrey Tambor sounded a lot like Robin Williams there.

Sure. Blame the weird chef for your own incompetence. Makes total sense. 

Let me guess... this kid finds happiness without eating a troll, thus dispelling the myth that only troll soufflé can make one happy. Does he fall in love with the servant girl? Because she is giving off stalker vibes.

John Cleese is also in this movie. Points gained!

Creepy child.

There's no way this can be a productive society.

Do they know Michael Jackson? He apparently exists in this universe, what with the P.Y.T. references.

James Corden!

How does that hair even work? And how horrible must that have been for the mother?

Wait. How do trolls reproduce?

They are certainly widely traveled with so many accents. Is this pre- or post-Tower of Babel in their history?

So there's definitely a life cycle.

Oh, Branch. You are your people's Cassandra.

Branch is my spirit animal. Or spirit troll.

And now I'm wondering if the trolls have a god. Or religion. 

I was right. Russell Brand is going to annoy me.

How does a troll evolve to become so unhappy when happiness is apparently the only gene available in the pool?

I'm loving the wooden wheels on this camper. 

That is not a troll. What is this Jamaican-sounding creature?

Seriously, these Bergen things are 1,000x taller than you, and you don't run further away?

He just pooped cupcakes.

I could have told you that hair was a disadvantage.

Okay, for how long were these trolls food? At least long enough for every Bergen to eat at least one (there's another question - do they only get one in their lifetime?). So why did it take so long to escape?

I want Morphmagus hair.

I've often pondered the wisdom of the "no man left behind" policy. On one hand, I totally get it. Every life is valuable, even if we pretend it isn't in every other circumstance. But on the other hand, throwing several lives after one does not satisfy my mental math.

It's convenient that all the ones taken were Poppy's special friends.

I thought Branch smashed the scrapbook thing.

I support this level of paranoia.

Branch is a Prepper. 

How does Poppy get out through the maze of bear traps?

Is this what troll eminent domain looks like?

Hug time is my hell.

She stopped to scrapbook her journey so far? This will go well.

Ah, the circle of life. How has this plant not killed everything around it, yet?

This song is annoyingly catchy.

Wow. Life on a small scale is terrifying.

Look, it's Frodo at the end of The Two Towers. There are even spiders.

And Samwise Gamgee. Who has a frying pan.

When did this become Lord of the Rings?

She is literally scrapbooking his plan! I was really hoping for that.

Where is she hiding all of these scrapbooking tools? I am well aware of how many of those things can accrue over a lifetime. My sister has a basement full of stuff she hasn't touched in years.

Branch and I just said the same thing at the same time. I'm tellin' ya. Spirit troll.

Again. Convenient that she has photos of everyone who was taken.

Is this the first hug time since they left? It can't be. So this conversation makes no sense. Also, I'm betting that hug timer thing comes into play later.

The Sound of Silence. Nice.

Into the fire goes the ukulele. Saw that one coming.

Valid question: who would wear socks without shoes?

This cloud is weird.

I've seen maybe two of these handshakes.

How did all of these Bergens survive being so depressed all the time?

An auto-tuned troll, really? I hate it.

I'm fairly certain most of those trolls could get out of that cage.

"And I bet you weren't expecting this!" "Agh!" "Oh wait, no that's okay."

Hug time. Called it.

I just keep seeing the evil stepmother from Into the Woods whenever I hear the chef.

Yup. Stalker.

Whack-a-troll. Classic.

Aww, dead Grandma.

Okay, Trollstice happens once a year. You don't keep your children (or grandchildren) inside the tree on this day?

"No, it was like an angel's." Yeah, okay, Justin.

This is a weird mix of Grease, Cyrano de Bergerac, and Ratatouille. 

And a little Cinderella for good measure.

Okay, the thing with the skate was funny.

Maybe Peter Pan? With the crocodile?

Is it a croc or an alligator? 

Did not see the traitor coming, though it is Russell Brand. So, you know...

What an asshole. (Sorry, not sorry.)

Jump in anytime, Branch.

Well, we solved that whole "trolls are appetizing" problem.

Get with it, Bridget. 

I like the mix of pop songs and original songs. Though it's a little jarring.

Do they not synchronize their watches? I realize it makes a better song. But these are the things I think about.

Guys. Do you not realize that being sad means you don't get eaten? Probably not the message you meant to send.

Okay, what is that creature? It's weird.

Bridget to the rescue. 

Ah, love. The secret to being happy. 

Now that's an entrance.

I am so good at predicting these things.

Okay, there's a huge difference between being happy and having joy. If you search for happiness only, you're going to be constantly disappointed. So good luck with that, Bergens.

Good song.

Did they just light the chef on fire? And the traitor, apparently. That's some Disney level justice, there.

How do they hug with such large heads? This will haunt my dreams.

I guess Zooey Deschanel was in this? You couldn't prove it by me. Wait, was she Bridget? I did NOT hear that at all. 

So. That was ... cute? I guess. Not terrible. Not earth-shattering. 

I'd probably watch it again.

The Weekly Wrap-Up: July 24-28, 2017

I do hope you catch the reference. Don't bother watching the show, of course, because it's actually terrible minus a few clever phrases here and there.

But that's neither here nor there. Point is, I've been gone a couple weeks. In fact, this time last week (as of writing this), I was riding the sweet wave of anesthetic and pain killers. That stuff is gnarly, dude. Not a care in the world, seriously.

So yes, surgery last week went well. I was pretty useless the rest of Friday, most of Saturday, and I did way too much on Sunday, so I took a half day on Monday. I probably could have gotten away with taking another day, to be honest, but that's just not how I roll. Besides, most of my job is sitting, so it's very low impact.

Also, most of my Monday was actually spent doing various updates to my computer. Do you guys put those off as much as I do? Like, one pops up, and I just start getting annoyed. What? Again?! I just did this six months ago! (Unless you have Telegram, then it's every two days. Sometimes twice a day.) It's a pain. But it's important, so I tend to bunch them all up at once. And I work with a lot of important files, so it's not just updating. No, you have to back everything up first. That way, if the update screws up your computer, you have all of your files still. I'm great at this on my work computer. Not so great at home. Of course, my home computer is 8 years old and has 32 Safari tabs open. If I update something, there's no guarantee that baby is booting back up again. (I need a new computer, guys. I've been doing my research, but I'm picky. And poor.)

Anyway, I got all the updates and backups done in time to start the final proof phase of Hindi group 2. We're nearly ready to publish! I used to be more excited about publishing, because it meant that I never had to look at those particular files again. Except when you do, as was the case with Estonian. We had published group 1, but I guess the language changed since then? I don't know. I should be nicer about it, except I had to manually make the changes since it was fiddly, and you all know how much I love fiddly bits.

But my frustration was offset by one of my favorite days at OMS. Tuesday was spiritual warfare day. And you know what that means?

SWORDS!

Yeah, buddy.

I do so enjoy showing off my collection. And it's more than just appreciating the oohs and aahs of the crowd. It's an effective object lesson about keeping yourself armed against the devil.

Finally, I just started working on new proof files from French. I don't usually do three languages in a week, but I guess everyone just wanted me to feel really special. I certainly feel like I'm back in the groove of things.

Guys, August starts next week. I'm not sure how that's possible. Kids went back to school this week.

I bought Christmas presents this week.

Someone slow this bus down, yeah?

(I still owe you a conference post. I'm working on it. Really.)

Lettie Cowman: A Retrospective

So there's this story about Punt.

Punt was a trading partner of Ancient Egypt. Egyptians would travel to Punt, Puntites would travel to Egypt - they loved each other. Egyptian writings described everything about Punt - its beauty (they called it God's Land), the awesome trading (bitumen, copper, naptha), and their peaceful nature (they were totally down with Hatshepsut's reign).

The only thing they didn't describe was where it was located.

Why would they need to draw a map? Everyone knew where Punt was. The trip was relatively easy, and they were such great friends.

So nowhere (that we've found) did anyone write down directions to Punt. No maps. No GPS. Just vague descriptions of things seen along the way.

Punt could literally be just about anywhere in the map below.

There's speculation that Punt is actually referred to as Put in the Bible, Put being the third son of Ham, of course, and the Bible being less than accommodating in making sure everything is spelled exactly the same (I'm looking at you Kings and Chronicles!). Punt is also called Ta netjer, the "Land of the God."

Not that any of that is important.

Why am I talking about an ancient land that hardly anyone knows existed?

BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND OUT LETTIE COWMAN'S ACTUAL FIRST NAME.

I have been researching Lettie for a few months now, in anticipation of the luncheon with Board wives a few weeks ago. And in every book I read, Lettie is introduced as either Mrs. Cowman, Mrs. Charles Cowman, L.B. Cowman, or Lettie Cowman.

I suppose Lettie could actually be her name. But that seems unlikely. It feels like a nickname to me. And I have this vague memory of seeing her full name somewhere. I even had a dream about it that convinced me I knew what her name was, though I was very clearly wrong.

I'm going to keep searching, though not feverishly. More like, as I live, if I see something related to Lettie, I'll inquire discreetly.

The internet is no help on this, btw. Considering OMS wrote her Wikipedia page, if it ain't there, it's safe to say we have no idea.

Anyway, I really just started this post so I could talk about a particular book I read about Lettie Burd. It's called The Vision Lives, and it was written by B.H. Pearson. Pearson was quite a significant figure in OMS history, but he wasn't part of the big families, so hardly anyone knows who he is anymore. (Sad, but true. For family names, look at the street names around OMS.) (I could be wrong here. I just don't ever hear his name. Maybe I'm talking to the wrong people.)

I think I can fairly say that this book has changed my life. I am different now that I've read this book. I've known the Cowman story since I came to OMS. We're pretty decent at the indoctrination stuff. Every new missionary has to read a book (No Guarantee But God) about the founders. So I knew the basics.

But Lettie's story tends to stop for people after Charles dies. And that's horrible, because she lived another 35ish years after her husband died. I could make an argument that she did more after Charles died than she did before.

And I think that's why I was so moved by this book. It felt like her story really started with the writing of Streams in the Desert.

(It didn't. The story of how she met Charles, how long she waited to marry him, their life before Chicago, her conversion and subsequent chivying of Charles, their call to missions, their life in Japan - all great and important tales that tell you a lot about Lettie. But I didn't feel like I knew her until after Streams.)

Have you read Streams in the Desert? I have to admit, I have not read it entirely. But I have read parts of it, and I know the story behind it. In fact, there's a book called The Story Behind Streams in the Desert. You should read that, too. (Incidentally, do you know which verse the book title comes from? You'll get brownie points.)

But in case you don't, here's the gist. Charles and Lettie spent about 15ish years in Japan before he fell ill. Like, seriously ill. They were pretty sure he was going to die. So the Cowmans returned to the U.S. They set up shop in California, continuing to run the Oriental Missionary Society.

And Charles never got better. For six years, he suffered tremendous pain, having numerous heart attacks or strokes (going by the description). Lettie continued taking care of him, doing her duty as his wife.

Lettie called this time her Gethsemane. That was the first thing that really stood out to me. We really only get a small picture of what the garden of Gethsemane was like for Jesus. But we do know it was bad. Extremely emotionally distressing, to the point where he was probably sweating blood. He knew he was about to die, and in the most undignified way possible. For Lettie to compare this time of waiting and watching to Gethsemane is very telling to me.

During this time, Lettie did whatever she could to preserve hope. She always believed that God would heal Charles, and she latched onto pretty much anything that seemed to offer some kind of respite. Nearly anything, because she always compared it to Scripture, and if it didn't stand up, she discarded it like yesterday's fish. Over six years, she had a ton of poems, sayings, and wisdom from many sources. These things form the spine of Streams.

Eventually, of course, Charles died. Lettie finished compiling her book and published it.

And then she started to live. 

(Again, probably not politically correct to say that. It just seems like people treat her as an extension of Charles before died. Which shouldn't surprise me. #womenareproperty #imreallynotafeminist #justannoyedatnotbeingtreatedlikeaseparateentitycapableofthinkingformyself )

Seriously, though, the chapter after Charles' death starts like this: "Mrs. Cowman begins to realize how entirely Charles had filled her life." Lettie was 54. Young by some standards, old by most. She writes a book about Charles' life (Missionary Warrior - another good read) and promotes the mission.

Then, at 58, she becomes president of the Oriental Missionary Society. This is huge, guys. She's a woman in 1928, and she's presiding over a multi-national mission. She is the third such president, and she lasts almost longer than the first two combined.

I wish I could describe everything she does in this period. But the book does that, and I'm not writing a book, though you may think so by now. She goes to China, despite the threat from Japan. She goes to a conference in Swansea, Wales. It's here that she feels a call to the rest of the world, not just the Orient. From Swansea, to Finland, by way of a stormy sea. From Finland to Estonia. Estonia to Sweden. Back to England. France. Palestine. Egypt. She meets the young King Farouk. She gives him a beautifully bound copy of the Gospels. Greece (without a visa). Back to England, where her visit with Farouk has engendered an invitation from the exiled Emperor of Ethiopia, Hailie Selassie.

Guys. If you don't know the name Hailie Selassie, you need to stop reading right now and go do some research.

Fascinating doesn't quite cover it.

Selassie's daughter offers to translate Streams. The Emperor and Mrs. Cowman are apparently quite intrigued by one another. Lettie offers a prophetic word (which came true).

Finally, Lettie returned to L.A. But only for a spell, because shortly thereafter, she heads to Cuba. Keep in mind that she's also running a mission, writing books, and contending with a pending world war during all of this.

She returns to Japan for a few weeks in 1939. The Japanese have already invaded China at this point, but it doesn't matter because there are still plenty of people who need Jesus.

In 1941, at the age of 71, Lettie goes to Mexico. Her trip has nothing whatsoever to do with OMS. But people are hungry for the Word, and Lettie places an order for 100,000 Gospels without knowing where she'll get the money. Sure enough, the exact amount comes in over a weekend.

The Colombia field opens. Lettie inexplicably sends the entire Streams revenue to the field with little more than a prompting in prayer. The money purchases the land where the seminary in Medellin will be built.

Colombia becomes Lettie's last trip as president of OMS. She tenders her resignation in 1949 at the age of 79.

Despite going blind, she continues to entertain guests and write columns. She dies on Easter Sunday in 1960.

She had such an incredibly full life. During a time when most people think about retiring, she was just starting some of the most difficult chapters.

But what is almost more fascinating to me are the things that are not said.

Charles and Lettie Cowman never had children. Any mention of children, in fact, is conspicuously absent. Granted, the topic wasn't really one you brought up in polite conversation at that time. But I'm curious. Was it a conscious decision? Was she not capable of having children biologically? Was adoption ever discussed? We can really only speculate.

How exactly did Lettie manage to run a mission society based heavily in Asia during a world war? This is touched on a little, but my understanding of the text is that missionaries had a great deal of autonomy at this point. Communications weren't exactly the greatest, so decisions often had to be made in the field before being sent to a Board for approval.

Speaking of the Board, how did they feel about so much of their work being supported by hope and a prayer? The book mentions countless times where finances or resources were in desperately short supply, yet Lettie forged ahead, trust that God would provide. Granted, He often did. But it must have been nerve wracking to trust so completely in something with no reassurance of success.

Finally, and possibly most curious, what exactly happened when Lettie resigned as president? There's a story that goes around, and I only know bits and pieces of it. Some people say she was forced out. Some people say that she needed to be forced out. The book only says that she felt the future of the mission should be in younger hands. Oddly, though, she requested that the book ministry (most of which came from her) and the crusades form a separate corporation. If you've ever wondered, there is a reason that Streams is published now by Zondervan. I believe the publishing entity of OMS was purchased by them at some point over the years. So the organization she founded purchases copies of her book from Amazon just like everyone else.

I'll likely never know for sure in this life the answers to these questions. And that's okay. I can still be inspired by her. I still admire her devotion to God and to her husband. I admire her adventurous spirit, her kindness to all she met, her desire to reach everyone with the Gospel. I love her humility, her grace, and her peace in the midst of Gethsemane.

Lettie, whatever your first name was, thanks for being so cool.

The Weekly Wrap-Up: July 3-7, 2017

I think I might be losing my mind.

Or I'm just really stressed out.

Or both.

I am having such a hard time keeping track of things lately. I feel like I have a million things on the hook, and I am not great at juggling. True, I probably put a lot of things on myself that don't need to be there, but that's just who I am.

I should work on that.

Anyway, I'm going to do my best to make this coherent and at least partially informative and useful. If I fail, please feel free to not let me know.

I finished off two groups of Portuguese proofs this week. This week was weird, of course, because we had a random day off on Tuesday. That really throws me off, but it never occurred to me to take Monday off, like apparently most of the office did.

Way to share the love, people.

In the midst of Portuguese, I managed to get my latest prayer letter out the door. Hopefully it will arrive at your door in a timely fashion. And hopefully it makes sense. But mostly the on time part.

I did a lot of prep work for the UB conference next week. Which reminds me, there won't be an update for the next two weeks. Next week, I may do a special report on conference. But the week after, I'm taking a few days off and then having surgery.

So there's that.

What else did I do this week?

Uh...

Meetings? Always meetings.

And ... other stuff. I'm sure.

See? Losing my mind.

I'm sorry. I don't know why anyone would hang out with me. 

Moana: The Live Blog

I've got to hand it to Disney; they marketed their product well. Not once has it occurred to me over the last few months to not put the 'ah' in Moana. Not until the other day when someone talked about watching the "Mona" movie. So well done, guys.

(I originally thanked Michael Eisner until it occurred to me that he might no longer be in charge. So I asked Siri. Yeah, Eisner left in 2005. I feel old.)

Okay. So I toyed briefly with the idea of including time stamps in these so you'd be able to follow along better. But that's too much work for me. You'll be fine.

::cue the requisite traditional music that is opening all Disney movies now::

Well, no, in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Or, in the beginning, there was the Word. Or, alternatively, Mother Russia, which is what I'm calling Mother Island from now on.

I love the irony of calling this thing a warrior as he becomes a fat lizard.

Loki?

Oh. Maui.

Great bedtime story, Auntie.

Well, that's just adorable. Can I claim head canon baby Crush?

This child is Dead Sea-ing the ocean.

Found the heart, The End.

Oh.

I wonder, do these villagers ever get tired of humoring their chief's random dance breaks?

You're literally on an island. How do you keep her from the water?

I wanna play Chief Jenga.

I want a tattoo.

This kid, I love.

No offense, but I've seen this story before. Dad/Mom has high expectations for child. Child doesn't want to fulfill them. Mother/Father gives a heartfelt speech. Child does what they want anyway. Inexplicably, it works. Parent has to eat crow. Just once, I want the kid to develop a drug habit and admit they were wrong.

She's Saturday Night Live-ing this song. Admittedly, it's a good song.

That is not how leaves work.

Yes, set sail with no supplies and a pig.

I think I saw this in Their Finest Hour.

Did she just destroy coral? Where was the outcry?!

So, I'm curious, was this old woman the chief before the dude? Or her husband? You'd think she'd be taken a little more seriously.

Pretty sure this is how Steve Irwin died.

Is the idea of destiny okay as long as it's not your parents setting it?

One torch does not make that much light.

Those sails would crumble into dust at the first touch.

I want a haha before we're done.

Hey, Lin.

Uh, is "The Darkness" another name for "Climate Change?" Because that's the vibe I'm getting.

It's so nice of these particular stars to shine brighter just when this lady needs her to.

That went well.

And the death of the elder. Saw that one coming.

Oh, good. The chicken came along. Because we needed a weird animal friend.

Don't go sailing alone, kids. You'll end up like Truman.

I want magic hair that fixes itself after being buried in sand.

"Fish pee in you." That line is gold.

A Twitter joke? Really. No.

What a douchenozzle.

Was he building a statue of himself? And did she really just move a whole hunk of rocks?

I admit, I've never thought of the ocean as a character. I like it.

Oh look, it's a merchandising device. Why are coconuts attacking?

I can tell Lin Manuel Miranda had something to do with this movie because he likes referencing other movies. And I'm seeing another here with Waterworld.

Yes. Appeal to the man's ego. Works every time.

Yes. Disney has gone meta. Moana is a princess.

Oh, gross.

Got distracted. Where are we? Oh yeah. Nightmare Island. Thanks, Disney.

What accent is this? Whatever this thing is, it's hilarious.

This song is horrible, though.

And now I'm getting shades of The Emperor's New Groove.

No, I did not like the song.

Sharkhead, hoo haha.

Hey, kids, when someone doesn't want to talk about something, keep poking at them until they do. Consent doesn't matter! (Oops.)

And now I'm drawing parallels with abortion. What is this movie?

"You make your own fate" speech from the girl who believes the ocean chose her to return a stone to Mother Russia.

Even the ocean hate the chicken now. I completely understand.

I wonder how many kids think they know how to sail because they've watched this movie.

I'm calling this lava monster Diamond Head.

Diamond Head is a jerkwad.

Ooh. Dead hook. Dead hook is bad.

Wow, The Rock. That was harsh.

I'm trying to think of what the ocean reminds me of when it goes all blobby. It's not coming to me.

And visit from said dead elder. We're ticking all the boxes, aren't we?

The music is hit or miss for me.

Here's Diamond Head, again. I didn't need good dreams tonight.

Hey look, the chicken was good for something.

And Maui's change of heart. Tick.

Nice. Whale trick.

Umm. The ocean is cheating now. Could we not do that before?

Dead hook is seriously dead now. I have a feeling it will be back.

Diamond Head is Mother Russia. Who knew?

Aaaaand I got my Haka. Nice.

Prince of Egypt.

Hmm. So volcanos also form islands. That should have been obvious that they were the same.

I told you he'd get his hook back.

Which island is this? I feel like I'm supposed to recognize it.

Aww, he tattooed the young girl on his chest. That's not weird at all.

Umm, a shell doesn't really work with the whole stone motif they've got going.

Is everyone leaving the island? I'm confused.

I don't like whoever is covering this song.

Well, that was fun. I didn't have any major quibbles. I just feel like, with every movie I see now, I've seen it before.

Nothing new under the sun, I guess.





Hold up. Alan Tudyk was in this movie? As the CHICKEN?!

I take it all back. I'm done.