The Weekly Wrap-Up: November 16-20, 2020

I'm not ignoring Wednesday's post. It's still true, still affecting things. But it's not running my life. So, on with the regularly scheduled program.

Tuesday was the last day of Zoom bootcamp. It was a little rocky, but I think we ended up okay. We now have to figure out what changes to make for January's training. We'll have lots of meetings between now and then to plan, so that's something to look forward to. 

The rest of the week, I've been working on Castilian books. I've finished a couple of groups, but there's plenty more to do. Lori and I also did some more work in the warehouse, inviting OMSers to take some of the random stuff for which we couldn't find a place. It was mostly books, and a few did find new homes (yes, a few are now in my home). But there's still a lot of stuff we have to take care of. 

But that's for after Thanksgiving. I'm taking next week off so I can have a nice break. I hope you are all able to do something similar and have a lovely feast and a time of gratitude for all that God has given us.

Bye!

My Brain Is Trying to Kill Me

Okay. Let's do this.

So, I've kinda hinted around this, sometimes openly stated things, but I wanted to be really open about what I'm dealing with right now. 

In addition to the ongoing other health concerns, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 

What is that, you ask.

Well, it's really in the name. But let's focus on the 'generalized' portion because that's what makes it unique to each individual and also what makes it so annoying.

Google will tell you a lot about this topic. It's characterized by persistent and excessive worry or fear. It's caused by a combination of environmental and biological factors. It can manifest in a hundred different ways. And because it's general, there's nothing specific to cure or work on. 

What does it look like for me? I'm pretty much always on edge. I feel constant tension in every muscle. I get restless, I'm tired all the time, and at times, I can find it difficult to breathe. My heart starts racing. I can be very claustrophobic. I don't like driving because I feel like I'm stuck in my car. I have to constantly be doing something to keep my brain active and distracted. Sometimes it's not enough. And it feels like it's never going to end.

So, questions. Lord knows, I've had many, and I'm sure you do as well. I'm happy to answer yours when I can, but hopefully, the following will cover the bases.

1. What caused it?

Great question. I would love to be able to lay all the blame on the pandemic. But if I'm honest, which I try to be, this has been brewing since before the pandemic. Did the pandemic exacerbate it? Absolutely. It has made my world very small. But there have also been financial stressors, political upheaval, social unrest... Take your pick. There are also genetic factors. Depression runs in my family. My personality is such that my brain has always worked against me. I overthink things. So if you're looking for a specific cause that can be removed and cure me, you (and I) are out of luck.

2. What are you doing about it?

I'm working with my doctors to find the right medication. I have therapy appointments. I talk to my family. I pray a lot. I'm hoping being more open about this will help as well. There's a stigma around mental health. I've had to fight against my own instincts to keep it hidden. But it doesn't help to not talk about it. Keeping quiet just makes my world that much smaller, and that's not good for someone with claustrophobia. I'm not okay. And that's okay. I'm learning how to take things sometimes an hour at a time. 

3. Are you still able to work?

I do what I can. Some days are better than others. I concentrate on getting as much done on those days as I can. Other days are less productive. My bosses have been pretty understanding of my situation. I take sick time when I need it. But I mostly use weekends to recharge for the week.

4. You're a Christian. Shouldn't you trust God to take this away? Why would God make you experience this? Shouldn't you be stronger?

Oi. Hit me where it hurts why don't you? Seriously, though, I ask myself these questions. Especially that last one. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling weak. I feel like I should be better at handling this. I should be stronger. I should have more faith. How can I be a missionary who teaches people about Jesus and yet be struggling so much to even breathe sometimes?

I can't answer these questions. I can say that my faith in God is the only thing keeping me going every day. It's the only thing giving me purpose and meaning. I cling to 2 Timothy 1:7 - for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. It gives me hope that this will end. I'm being open about this because I know other people will be experiencing similar things, and I want you to know that you're not alone. There is hope. 

Like I said, I know you'll have questions. Please feel free to ask them. I'll answer as best I can. I'm still working this out. I'm not particularly enjoying it. But I want to totally honest about life right now. And life is rough.

The Weekly Wrap-Up: November 9-13, 2020

 

That's it. That's my week. 

Oh, fine. I'll explain. 

This was the week we started the Zoom Online Training Bootcamp. So it feels like I've been on Zoom more this week than I've been off it. But the training is going pretty well, I think. My team is that group of 3 with me up there. José is a CMF to Mexico, Phil is a pastor in Pennsylvania, and Nancy is a CMF with her husband to Ukraine. We're all great friends, so it's nice to work with them. 

The bottom photo is the facilitation team. We all keep switching roles throughout the training, so we have to be paying close attention. And Ashley, Sarah, and I are acting as consultants, so we each have a team of people (see above) who are giving presentations throughout to show what they've learned. 

I did manage to get some T&M done this week with Castilian. If I think about it, I'll post some photos of the training manual next week as we still have another day of bootcamp on Tuesday. 

For now, I'm tired. That's a theme, I guess. The end of the year always heats up, and despite the obvious, this year is really no exception. 

Sleep while you can.

Bye!

The Weekly Wrap-Up: November 2-6, 2020

Hey, beautiful people!

I'll apologize right now if this is a little random and incoherent. I'm extremely tired today, for reasons I'll expand upon later. But first...

I'm working on Castilian this week. It's a pretty smooth language, but it's become something I do in my spare time this week. We're full speed ahead on the bootcamp, which means long Zoom meetings and lots of time reading through the training manual. I was, however, able to finish one group of Castilian, and I'm into a second, so it's not all bad.

One of my big tasks this week was putting together the gift exchange and sending assignments to everyone. We have 17 people participating this year, so I had to make sure everyone had the correct person with all of the correct information from the survey. I'm still coming up with ways to make our Secret Angle Virtual Astonishing Gift Exchange (let me know when you get it) more exciting since we're doing it on Zoom, but I have until December 4, so we'll see. 

If you're wondering how I make sure the assignments are random (or even if I randomize it at all), I'm going to let you in on my method. I came across it years ago, and it's served me well since then. First, write your participants' names on note cards.

It's important that you write the names twice. Once because they will be giving a gift, and once because they will be receiving a gift.

Shuffle the cards.

Cut the cards in half.

Did I need to use the cutting machine to do that? No. But it made me feel powerful. 

Keep both halves in the same order. Put one half of the card in a row on a table, face down.

Put the other half of the card in a row below that, upside down, and offset by one or two cards. Still upside down.

At the end of the row, loop back to the start to finish.

Now, you flip both cards. The name on the top card gives a gift to the name on the bottom card. Et voila!

It's not a foolproof system. I do have to go through and make sure no spouses are giving gifts to each other. It could be fun, but they already have to buy a present for their significant other. And we have three husband/wife combos in our team this year! Also, I try to make sure that if someone has given a gift to another person in the last two years, they get a new person this year. 

So you may have to do a little card swapping. But beware! You want to avoid a closed loop. For example, if Joe is giving a gift to Sue, then Sue would give the next gift and so on. You have to make sure that this line continues through all 17 people. It's very stressful. Thankfully, I had Lori's help on overthinking possibly problematic giving scenarios. 

Anyway, it's all done now, assignments have been made, emails sent, and it's out of my hands until December 4. Any ideas?

Now for the reason I'm so tired. I've mentioned before that we do work days at OMS - outdoor or indoor tasks to get the building and grounds spic-and-span. Our spring work day was cancelled, and our original fall work day was postponed, then postponed again for rain. Finally, we were able to get it done yesterday.

I signed up for the warehouse organization. Yes, OMS has a warehouse. Theoretically, it's there to store missionary belongings while they are on the field. Possibly also donations and just whatever stuff OMS feels the need to keep around for long periods of time. 

In reality, it has become a catch-all for all kinds of junk that people didn't know what else to do with. I've been aware of that for some time, so when I saw the warehouse was an option, I jumped on it. And I kind of took over. 

Oops.

I was adamant from the beginning that when we were done, we'd have everything gone that didn't need to be there and everything else in ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Did that mean that some hard decision had to be made about what needed to be thrown away? Yes. Was I prepared to make those decisions? Also yes. I wasn't alone, of course. I had many fantastic people helping out, which is good, because the first area we tackled was the loft. 

The only way into the loft is via a ladder, and I don't do ladders and I don't do heights. So I relied on these fine folks to get things organized and throw down some 75 empty boxes that had been gathering mold. 

Yeah.

They did a fantastic job. If we knew who stuff belonged to, we let them know that it was accessible any time they wanted to remove it (hint hint). If we didn't know, we either donated it or binned it. Then, we established what absolutely had to stay and made sure it all had a nice, neat corner in which it belonged. And then I made up a floor plan so that no one would get confused about what belonged where. 

No, I didn't actually operate the fork lift. That would have been terrifying for everyone.

I wish we'd taken more before photos. But I was so focused on getting rid of all that junk that I didn't really think about it. But please believe me when I say that those walls back there haven't seen the light of day in YEARS. 

Anyway, I have much pain in my body, and my lungs hurt from all of the dust and mold. So this weekend is for sleeping. And coughing.

Bye!