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It figures that my first post in a while is going to be a rant.

Actually, not even ranty. I'm just tired. 

I'll be honest. Church has been hit-or-miss lately. Part of it was the weather over the last few months. Most of it is the depression that has once again reared its ugly head with a vengeance. 

People keep telling me that the best cure for depression is to draw closer to God. And it's true. But lately, going to church hasn't really felt like being closer to God. 

This morning church, more than ever, felt like a show. It was disappointing to say the least. 

I left a church two and a half years ago for this reason. And after months of searching, I found my current church. I was encouraged by the Truth I heard from the pastor and by the passion for missions. 

But we're missing joy. 

No one sang because no one knew the songs. Or if they were singing, you couldn't tell because all you heard was the 'worship leader.' And I use that term loosely. There were no smiles. The screens were full of graphics and flashy content that linked loosely to the sermon. 

There's a car onstage. 

The sermon, fortunately, spoke Truth. Jesus is no longer on the cross! Amen! 

But if I was distracted by the periphery, how can a newcomer hope to hear the message? 

I need to think on this further. I don't want to switch churches again. I don't think that's the answer. 

But I don't know what is. 

Amazing God

So we sang this song in church this morning:

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

[2x]
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

"But Jessica," you say, "that's 'Amazing Grace!'"

No. No, it's not.

I know, because I sang 'Amazing Grace' for 23 years before that thing up there came out. And it's not like there is anything inherently wrong with that thing up there. (I suppose.) But I really liked the original. You know...

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

'Twas Grace that taught
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far,
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years,
bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise,
than when we've first begun.

Now, this is not my favorite hymn. (That is, and will forever be, 'It Is Well' by Horatio Spafford.) It's in my top five, though, both for the story behind it and for what the lyrics actually say.

The first one seems to display the disturbing trend I've seen in worship songs lately. Nowadays, it all seems to be about me. What can Jesus do for me? What can I do for Jesus?

I suppose that's fine. But what happened to praise? Look at the hymn again. When we've been here ten thousand years, there will still be as much time for praise as when we started. And yes, we can praise God for what He's done for us.

But nothing we have ever done will compare with who God IS.

I think I'm going to start singing the book of Job.

I don't know. Is it just me?

Ah, Bliss

After certain events this week, I really just needed an extra shot of awesome. A nice little IV straight into my happy place.

So this morning, after church, I went to McDonald's and got breakfast using the gift card my mom got me for Christmas. Then I went for a drive. Ridiculous with the current gas prices, I know, but totally worth it for what came next.

It's about 40 degrees here in Greenwood and wet, a horrible combination for my prematurely arthritic joints, but also perfect, because it allowed me to do something I've been waiting for all season.

I have a special playlist on my iPod entitled "Drive." I turned it on, hit shuffle, dialed it up to Eleven, put the pedal to the floor, rolled my window down, turned the heat on all the way, and I drove.

It was perfect. If I were Buddhist, I could say it was like reaching Nirvana, but I'm not, so I'm not sure just how to describe how much awesomeness has just been injected into my life. Regardless, it was what I needed, and I will be pursuing this lovely state as often as I can in the next few weeks.




In related news, my car needs new brakes.

(In case you were wondering about my playlist, I've included the following links for your viewing and listening pleasure.)

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man (Warning: Language)
Duffy - Rain On Your Parade (Warning: Duffy)
Black Violin - Jammin'
Kansas - Carry on My Wayward Son (Warning: Clips from one of my favorite TV shows)

This is obviously just a sampling. It is also obvious (to me at least) that I have very eclectic tastes. So sue me. ;)

Warning: Epicness Ahead

Okay, so I need to recap the last two weeks in one measly blog post. Well, I don't have to, but I'm going to cover as much as possible, because I doubt there will be a lot of time in the next few weeks. I'm going to admit right now that I am alternately freaking out and matter-of-fact about tomorrow - it being my first day and all. I'm looking forward to getting started. It's nice to know that the last two years are finally going to pay off.

Last time, I was coming off of three days of 'Strengthening Your Interpersonal Skills' and I was frustrated, emotional and completely out of sorts after that experience. But honestly, it was good for all of us who went through it. It brought everyone closer together, and gave us the ability to share on a wonderfully deep level. I think the best way to recap everything about training by introducing you to the people who went through it with me.



This is Gail and Karen. They were our guides through this journey, truly fabulous people. There were other facilitators, but these ladies were responsible for keeping us on task and on time. This was the first time they extended training to four weeks, and I can't imagine how they covered everything in such a short time before.



Alfredo and Jen were only with us for a couple of weeks. They were in another training course before they joined us, and they left here a week early so they could head to their assignment in the South Pacific. Jen and I got along really well, and the two of them had the dubious honor of being the first people I invited over for dinner. These guys have such a passion for their work and a heart for people.

Incidentally, their experience at Ahavat Yeshua, a Messianic service in north Indy, led me to try it for myself. It was a fabulous experience, one I would repeat and recommend to everyone. There is a reverence to the Messianic Jewish service, but also an informality that allows such freedom of worship.



These girls got to room together during training, which was really nice for them to get to know one another. They all have very different personalities, but their ministries overlap in some awesome ways. Emily, on the left, is going to Japan. Christina, in the center, is going to South Korea to work with migrant workers, and Marta, on the right, is also going to Japan. They are funny and lovely, and they allow me to freak out about science fiction stuff at the drop of a hat. I didn't get a chance to know them as well as I hoped, but I'm looking forward to having some good conversations with them in the future.



Beka, on the right, is going to be my rock here at headquarters. She is also working in the Communications Department, and she actually knows what she's doing, so I'm going to be relying on her heavily to help me out. She's also good about getting me out of my apartment.



David and Catherine are from Australia, but they work in Spain. David is funny and direct, and Catherine is elegant and a little bit wacky. :) They get to stick around a little bit longer, so I haven't had to say goodbye, yet. Their kids are pretty awesome as well. David, Catherine, Beka, Alfredo and Jen were all in my Intercession group. I've never experienced such intense prayer. I think it's a great tool to use.



Ken and Cathy will be working with OMS Canada. They were of great help to me, and wonderfully supportive. For our first ethnic service, we got to experience a Lutheran service in Latvian. It was pretty neat, and then we went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art. It was a fantastic place with some pretty good art, and some real creativity in the contemporary section. Not the paintings - I've never been a fan of those, but the construction was interesting and the fashion design was pretty amazing.



This whole experience was really fantastic, and there is so much more I could say about it. If you'd like to know more, you could call me, or skype me, or write me a letter. I might even let you visit.

In the meantime, keep an eye on the blog. I hope it has been and will continue to be epic.

My, things are moving along rapidly! I'm down to about $200 a month that I still need. I spoke to the housing director at OMS this morning, and they have an apartment all set up and ready to go for me. I'm trying to figure out the logistics of moving and when all of that will take place. Meanwhile, I'm working quite a bit at Hallmark, and we just had our closing program for Kid's Time. We held a mini carnival for the kids, and they had a great time, though the adults were a slightly exhausted by the end of the evening. My parents are going on a trip starting Sunday, so I'll have the house to myself for a little while, which will be good practice for Greenwood. I just can't believe how quickly things are happening. A lot of the decisions I have to make are contingent upon things I don't know yet, like whether or not I need a new car. The one I have does okay on short trips, but anything longer than a couple hours makes it unhappy and uncooperative. Plus, I have to decide what to take when I move. I have about 400 books that will need a home. And I had no idea how much work it is to be an independent adult! I've also been working on some pre-training exercises for OMS. Oh, and my computer has been out of sorts lately. All of this to say...

God amply provides!

To those of you who understood anything from the last post: Bravo! You're definitely in the minority. :) I think it's one of those cases where I knew what I wanted to say, but said it all at once and in no particular order. Ah, well. Such is an example of how my writing is going these days. I'm never quite sure what is going to come out.

My e-mail inbox is finally showing that there are no new messages, so for the moment, I'm left with only a few things left to do. I've been working for the Census Bureau, which has turned out to be the quintessential government program. Half the time, I think they are making it up as they go along, and the other half is spent twiddling my thumbs waiting for them to give me something to do. But, I am meeting new people and finding out some things about my community that I never knew before, so I suppose it will all balance out in the end.

Otherwise, I continue at Hallmark and with activities at my church. We had four kids accept Christ on Wednesday night, which is incredible, because sometimes I think they aren't even listening to what we tell them. It just shows that we can never really know the influence we are having on someone.

I had the opportunity to speak to a couple new groups, both very rewarding experiences with lots of good questions asked. At one, there were several former missionaries present, so I was able to get some good advice about traveling in foreign countries and gathering information. As the time gets closer, I alternate between feelings of excitement and feelings of extreme doubt. But if I really believe God is in control (and I have to, because what other alternative is there?), then I know everything will work out for the good.

We were discussing Logos in Bible study the other day, so I'd like to leave you with this thought.

Remember: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Logos = Word = Christ

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my WORD that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55: 10-11

My Sunday School class has been reading unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks About Christianity...and Why It Matters by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. We finished it this past Sunday, giving me the opportunity to reflect on the book as a whole. There are six essential points: that 'outsiders' see Christians as too hypocritical, too focused on the get saved mentality, antihomosexual, too sheltered, too political, and too judgmental. For the most part, I agreed that Christianity does seem to have a bad rap in society today, though I'm not sure how much of that is our fault, and how much of it can be ascribed to other forces.

What really gave me food for thought, though, was the final pages in which the authors printed responses from several notable Christian public figures on the question of where they saw the Church and the Christian image in thirty years. It wasn't something I'd considered before. Like many who have grown up in the church, I have lived in a fairly safe bubble. Not a great deal has changed within that bubble in the past few years, and though I can see a general decline in people's views of Christianity, it has yet to affect me in a major way. Despite that, however, I can say with all honesty that I would hate to be someone's example of what it means to be a Christian.

Anyway, I was thinking about where Christianity might be in thirty years, and I started thinking about where we were thirty years ago. Did anyone expect the changes we've seen from 1980 until now? I don't think anyone could have predicted any of what we've experienced since then.

I don't really have a point with this, I guess, except to recommend that you read the book for yourselves and tell me what you think.

Next book: Answering Islam by Norman Geisler

New Year = ?

Happy belated New Year!

Don't you hate when you have a whole thing planned about what you're going to write, and then you go off to work or shopping, and you come back and can't remember it?

Me, too.

So, what have I been up to lately? Well, the production of The Twelve Voice of Christmas that we did at my church went really well. I've been studying more about Mary since that night, and I have to say, she's an inspiring lady. I'm thinking of starting a(nother) book. That would make seven in the works. I really need to finish one someday.

Christmas was pretty good when you don't think about the kidney stone I had, the lack of family I visited, and the hours I worked. BUT, to counteract that, I was on vicodin for a few days, I saw my family after Christmas, and I get paid by the hour. So I guess everything worked out in the end.

In case you haven't remembered, 2010 is a census year, and I applied a couple of weeks ago to be an enumerator. As it turns out, I may get an even better job, so be praying that it works out. Hallmark is being very supportive about giving me time off to train. The census job is a short one, but I could really use the extra money.

In other news, my birthday is on Saturday. I have received many lovely birthday cards from people, and I think it's going to be a good day. If only I could stop feeling so old...

My parents are currently in Honduras winding down General Conference for the UB Church. I may be working on a project related to that when they get back, about which I'm very excited.

If it sounds like I'm pretty busy now, I am, which is good, because I hate sitting around the house with nothing to do. That's probably why this blog never gets updated. I'm never in one place long enough. But this is my break between work and teaching the kiddies at church tonight, so I'm making the most of it.

I hope you all received your New Year's card and update from me. If you didn't, let me know so I can get you on my list.

Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad.