Thoughts on Life and Death

I have thoughts. 

This is likely to be quite a long post, and it is acting in lieu of last week's weekly wrap as well as this week's update. It's hard to do a blog post when I'm not here on Friday, which was the case last week and will be the case again this week. Last week, I took the day to do some deputation work and also get some things done around my apartment that I have been neglecting. This weekend, I am headed up to Huntington to spend time with my parents, a few supporters, and also do a little camping before the season ends. 

But I have been thinking about a lot of things lately that I feel the need to expel in some form. A lot of it is the type of stuff I really can't do anything about besides pray. And let's face it, I'm not the best prayer warrior out there. This morning I prayed that people would just stop being dumb. It was a genuine prayer because I think a lot of people are being dumb, sometimes myself included, but I doubt it's the most productive prayer that has ever been prayed. So I think this post will be part rumination and part pouring out to God. You're welcome to follow along on this journey. 

The first thing I want to talk about is the Queen. Honestly, she doesn't need much more identification than that. The UK has the most identifiable monarchy in the world, and for my entire life, there was just one Queen. I'm not a big royalist or anything, but I do love history, and the USA was a product of Great Britain, like it or not. We are intrinsically tied to one another. Plus, my oldest sister was (is) obsessed with Princess Diana, so I know more than my fair share about The Firm by association. 

I said the other week that I was hoping Elizabeth would live long enough to beat Louis' record as the longest-reigning monarch. That was more of a 'it would be cool if' than any real investment in the monarchy. If I placed myself in her shoes, I would have wanted to do it just out of spite. I do think she was happy to outlast Victoria. Not that I think anyone will forget her soon, but it's those kinds of things that cement your place in history, and for some people, that's the goal. 

Anyway, I watched a lot of the coverage of the queue (the word with the most unnecessary letters in the English language), the vigils, the funerals, and all of the other hullabaloo. There were endless commentaries on her life, her legacy, the future of the monarchy, the purpose of the Commonwealth - the list could probably go on forever. 

One thing that struck me is just how few people actually knew her as a person. She was a figurehead, a symbol, an ideal, but she was also just a human being. I've always leaned heavily toward the freedom and personal responsibility side of things, so it's hard for me to treat someone with any more respect or deference than I would anyone else. Birth, titles, wealth, or whatever other status symbols mankind has created mean very little to me. I'm much more interested in someone's soul and what they are doing to contribute to the betterment of society. In the unlikely event that I am in a position where it is required to curtsy or bow to someone, I'm not sure I could do it in good conscience. 

I would not have fared well in the feudal system. Or most of history in general.

As I was watching the funeral in Westminster, listening to the Archbishop of Canterbury, I was reminded that one of Elizabeth's titles was Defender of the Faith. She was the head of the Anglican Church (thanks, Henry VIII). What that meant in practicality I'm not sure, but from everything she has said over the years, she took her faith seriously. She didn't just speak in generic terms about God - she spoke very specifically about finding salvation in Jesus Christ. I don't know how much people noticed that. But I think they will notice the lack. 

I can only speculate on the views of the new King Charles III, but based on what he has said in the past, he has no particular religious leanings. He has said he wants to be a Defender of Faiths - as in, all paths are valid and equally respectable. I do not share this view. Jesus said, "I AM THE WAY." One way. Not a way. Not part of the way. THE way. I'm almost positive there were other monarchs who didn't care one way or another about the Church they led, but they were 'Christian' because it was the accepted thing. This is no longer the case. It is not in vogue to be even a nominal Christian. The name of the game today is tolerance and diversity. Elizabeth's death means Christianity as lost one of its most staunch, PUBLIC evangelists. (I'm using evangelist here to mean more of an advocate than the preachy converting kind.)

(I have never watched The Crown on Netflix, but now I'm wondering how they portray Elizabeth's faith, or if they even mention it at all. I often find myself thinking about these things in films and TV shows because religion if so rarely talked about, and when it is, it is either portrayed inaccurately, with obvious bias, or incredibly milquetoast. And yet, faith is such a huge part of people's lives. This is probably a conversation for another time.)

This is a nice segue into another topic I have thought about a great deal. In chapel this morning, we had prayer time for several of our partner churches. As I read through the list, I noticed that several of them were former United Methodist congregations who were going through the disaffiliation process to either join the Global Methodist Church or become an entirely independent entity. As you may know, the GMC came into existence earlier this year when the UMC decided to embrace LGBTQ+ and gender ideology. 

Look, I can talk about denominational splits, church constitutions, and all of the church history stuff all day long. I don't think I've made it a secret that I despise having so many different denominations and fractions within the Global Church. I don't think it's a surprise that it happened because human beings are involved in church leadership and that inevitably leads to problems. We are fallible. I would love to be back in the days of the early church when Jesus had just ascended and his followers were united in belief and purpose. 

But let's be real about this - how long did that actually last? Almost immediately, you had Jewish believers clashing with Gentile believers. Should we follow Paul's teachings or Apollos'? What counts as Scripture? There was a reason for the big Church Councils. I can even see how the Pope became a thing because they needed a physically present figurehead to keep things on track. Except the figurehead became something more until the Pope suddenly had authority to forgive sin. And then there were cultural differences that led to the Great Schism. And then Martin Luther looked at the Roman Catholic Church and said, "I got 99 problems, and I'm gonna nail 'em to your front door because you are absolutely all of them."

BAM. Protestantism. 

But there were different flavors. Some people thought tulips were cool, so they followed Calvin. Some people thought free will made more sense so they followed Arminius. And on and on it went until in 1889, the Church of the United Brethren in Christ split because of disputed amendments to its constitution. Yes, this is my denomination. My people are old constitution, primarily because the new constitution allowed people to be members of secret societies. We didn't truck with that. 

I'll point out here that the COTUBIC still exists (though I'm honestly not sure for how much longer) while the new constitution people eventually became the Evangelical United Brethren who merged with The Methodist Church to become The United Methodist Church. So, you know, still causing problems.

I jest, but it's also extremely sad. I can understand why a church splits (if it's on theological or certain doctrinal grounds - if you're doing it because of the music, I have zero time for you); but I certainly don't have to like it. It does not give us a good look around the world if people look at a bunch of people who supposedly believe in the same thing but have to have 57 thousand options to keep the peace.

(I made up the number, and then I felt bad so I had to look it up. According to the World Christian Encyclopedia, the breakdown of 'world Christianity' looks more like this:

• Inde­pen­dents: 22,000 denom­i­na­tions
• Protes­tants: 9000 denom­i­na­tions
• Mar­gin­als: 1600 denom­i­na­tions
• Ortho­dox: 781 denom­i­na­tions
• Catholics: 242 denom­i­na­tions
• Angli­cans: 168 denom­i­na­tions

The list of what comprises independents and marginals can be found here if you so choose to go down that rabbit hole.)

None of this is really what I wanted to talk about except it apparently was. What I really wanted to focus on is the gender ideology and, for lack of a better term, the gay agenda.

Brace yourselves.

These ideologies are some of the most destructive agendas in the Church. And it is in the Church already, as witnessed by the UMC most recently. I'm not going to say that women in leadership started this trend, but it did allow for a foot in the door. I realize that my saying this may be somewhat controversial, but as a woman, I'm allowed to say it. Really, you can trace this back to any dumbing down or relaxing of principles. We have allowed culture and social pressure to move the hard lines and water down our faith until it is hardly better than the unitarian church that exists for some reason I cannot comprehend. 

All these years, and we still can't get past that first lie. "Did God really say...?"

Yes. He did. Shut your face.

I'm getting off track. 

Look, I believe strongly in personal freedom, personal responsibility, free will, the right to make choices for ourselves and live with the consequences. In political terms, I would most align with a libertarian mindset. But I can't be completely Libertarian because I also believe in God. I believe in a higher authority who has placed certain limits on that freedom. As a disciple of Christ, there are certain choices I should not make because they are not in keeping with biblical teaching. 

The idea that there are more than two genders and that sexuality is fluid is ABSOLUTELY not biblical. It's just not. From the very beginning, God made it clear. Genesis 1:27 - So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 2:24 - This is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife; and they become one flesh.

This is the biblical description of human beings - made in God's image, either male or female.

This is the biblical description of relationships - one man, one woman.

You can prevaricate, equivocate, make whatever excuses you want - this is it. This is reality. Truth. Affirmed by Jesus and supported by all of Scripture. Sorry not sorry. 

This right here is why I prayed this morning that people would stop being dumb. I want people to realize that whatever void they are trying to fill in their lives by trying to change genders, have sex with anyone and everyone, compete for the most niche gender description - none of it is going to satisfy. 

If you're searching for meaning, if you're searching for what makes you unique - it's you. God made you to be yourself, he wants you to be the best version of yourself, and following his commands is the way to achieve that. There has never been another person like you in the history of the world. You were made in the image of God! Why throw that away? 

But we don't want to offend anyone. We don't want to hurt people's feelings. We don't want to be seen as backwards or irrelevant or evil.

Newsflash: The Gospel is offensive. Scripture is unyielding. We have an Enemy that will tar us with every vile thing in the world to make our message as unappealing as possible to those he wants to ensnare. Which is everyone. Including you. 

Don't let him. I implore you, don't get caught up in all that the world has to offer. It is temporary. 

What God offers us is eternal. Whatever suffering we have in this life is nothing compared to the glory and majesty of an eternal life with Jesus Christ. 

I feel like I end with the following verses a lot, but that's just because I find them so powerful and pertinent to my own life. I think what I long for most is to be fully known; maybe that's what Elizabeth, who lived her life in a gilded cage, truly wanted as well. I believe she is experiencing that now.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

The Weekly Wrap-Up: July 18-22, 2022

There was a shooting in Greenwood on Sunday. A young man opened fire on the food court, killing three people and wounding two, before he himself was shot and killed by another young man. The first young man had been planning his heinous deed for some time. The second young man had just planned on a nice night out with his girlfriend. 

I've been thinking about what happened off and on all week. Understandably so, I guess. I was just at that mall last Friday night. It's a nice spot to walk when it's raining, and of course, do a little shopping from time to time. We sometimes eat lunch in that food court. Because this is the world we live in, it usually crosses my mind at least once when I'm in there that it's actually a great target for bad people. But then to know that the murderer lived just down and across the street from me... that he could have blown up and burned down his apartment building. When I do feel anything (because this world has numbed me), it's just profound sadness. I'm sad that people died for incredibly stupid reasons. I'm sad that a young man had to fire his weapon and kill another young man in defense of others. And I'm sad that the murderer felt there were no other options in life but to inflict misery upon others. I wish I or someone else had met him before and offered him the hope of Jesus. I'm sad that there are others out there who will never be told and will spend their lives in torment. 

Come quickly, Lord. Or help us work faster.

Obviously, our work does not end. And I, at least, have felt a new sense of urgency. Unfortunately, I can't do much until translators send in work. So, this week has been spent on the special project. But it is done! Mostly. I shall reveal all in due time, but suffice to say I'm quite proud of it. And I think it will be well received. 

Sarah, Lydia, and I took Thursday afternoon off to go to the county fair. It was partly as a reward to ourselves for a long summer of hard work, partly an excuse to see some sunshine, and partly in defiance of villainy. We had a lovely time.

Do keep yourselves safe this weekend and always. Pray for this world. Check in on your friends and neighbors. Preach peace.

Bye!

Where's Your Line?

I don't really talk about politics on here. That's not what this space is for, it's usually a direct route to arguments, and frankly, we're not really supposed to as missionaries. We're here to represent Christ, not a political party. Cool, I get it. Do I have opinions? Yeah. (Shocking.) But do I need to put them front and center? No. 

Social issues are a little bit different. Social behaviors are a reflection of a person's heart, their values. Theoretically, a Christian will have different values and behaviors than a non-Christian. I can't judge a non-Christian by Christian standards. They are behaving according to the old nature, and while I will do my best to introduce them to the One who moulds our values and behaviors, I can't actually force a lifestyle change (through law or otherwise) on them.

But I will absolutely hold those who profess to be Christians to a higher standard. 

I'll be disappointed in them, absolutely. We're human, and as much as Jesus has told us to strive for perfection, I'm aware of the difficulty in even approaching that, let alone achieving that. 

There is a big difference, though, between momentary lapses and willful disobedience. 

At this point, you're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about. And by heck, I mean hell, because that's where this world is headed. 

So I came across this article. 

I am incensed. Livid. Apoplectic. I've had to walk away from this at least three times just to calm down. 

"An affirming hymnal is helping LGBTQ Christians keep the faith"

SERIOUSLY?!?!

I feel like I need to make my position on homosexuality clear. And I realize some of you aren't going to like it. I don't care. I feel like my position is biblical and that's really all I'm aiming for. 

Same-sex attraction is not a sin.

Acting on same-sex attraction is absolutely a sin.

Do not come at me with "Jesus never said anything about it." He absolutely did by affirming (yeah, I can use that word, too) marriage as a union between a man and a woman. It's a mirror of the relationship between Christ and the Church. The Groom (Christ) takes the Bride (the Church) for the purpose of a holy union that honors God. That's it. 

Is the Church a place for sinners? Yes! Jesus said, "It's not the healthy that need a doctor but the sick." But we don't go to church to keep on sinning. We go to get support and resources to STOP sinning. 

A few of the 'hymn' titles:

• A Hymn for Self-Acceptance
• God of Queer Transgressive Spaces
• Impartial, Compassionate God
• Quirky, Queer and Wonderful
• The Heart Will Choose the One It Loves

...

I had to walk away again.

• No. Just no. Self-acceptance is not the goal of a Christian life. The 'self' is not enough. We need salvation through Jesus Christ, which includes actively pursuing God's perfect plan for our lives, which is in line with biblical precepts.
• I don't even know where to start with the second one.
• God is not impartial. Did you know that? He is so incredibly partial that sin cannot exist in his presence! That's why we needed Jesus to act as our intermediary and cleanse us of our sin by dying on the cross!
• I've been called quirky. But there's nothing wonderful about being queer. Just no.
• The heart is deceitful above all things, and incurable - who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

Make no mistake, there is an agenda here. They want to browbeat you into not just tolerating sin but celebrating it. Make the sin the most important thing in your life. Let it be the thing that identifies you. 

Satan tried the direct approach. It failed. So he has wormed his way insidiously into our lives. In some ways, it wasn't even that hard. Just compromise on a few things here. Make a few exceptions there. It all comes down to the first Lie.

Did God really say those things? Did he mean them?

Yes. He did. And we're going to face a reckoning. If you're looking for that line you drew and realize it's a few hundred yards behind you, maybe it's time to re-evaluate a few things. What compromises have you made in the name of love?

And I'm not saying this will be easy. It effects family, friends, people we've known for years. But I would hate for judgment to come and realize that I helped 'love' someone into hell. 

Make It Make Sense

There are six things the Lord hates,
    seven that are detestable to him:
17         haughty eyes,
        a lying tongue,
        hands that shed innocent blood,
18         a heart that devises wicked schemes,
        feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19         a false witness who pours out lies
        and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

Proverbs 6:16-19

These verses have always intrigued me. Why say there are six things God hates and then list seven things that are detestable? Are hatred and detestableness synonyms? The modern definitions seem to suggest that. Detestable things are deserving of intense dislike. Hate is an intense and passionate dislike for someone. I've used both words in different contexts. I don't like using the word 'hate' because of its implications. I can detest something and still put up with it. There are things in this world that I hate, and yet I have few options to effect change. The missionary path is a slow one, and it necessitates a certain lessening of one's own expression of political or social opinions. People you thought should know better make incomprehensible decisions and hold inconsistent opinions. And yet I am called to love them as Christ loves them. 

Obviously, there's a lot going on in the world that prompted these ruminations. The situation in Ukraine, the protests in Canada, genocide in China, battles in universities, our own governmental incompetence - just one of these would be enough to drive you mad, even if there wasn't an ongoing pandemic. But to have all of these occurring at once along with our usual cares and concerns is untenable. I find myself forced to ignore many injustices in order to function from day to day. 

I know there is only one viable solution. The world focuses on the tangible, maneuvering their troops like they were chess pieces and not individual human beings with souls in need of a Savior. I do what I can to reach who I can whilst maintaining my own sanity. 

But there are two phrases I feel like I need to address. 

1: History is written by the victors. In the immediate aftermath of an event, perhaps this is true. But history is just that - history. It is a series of events that lead to other events, culminating in an understanding of how we got to the world we live in today. Historians may speculate on why something happened, but we are primarily focused on the fact that it happened and what then happened because of that. Truth will out. Given enough time and distance from an event, it is fairly easy to piece together the series of syllogisms that are history. Because of A and B, C. In my opinion, this can ONLY be done with time and distance. I can tell you some of the historical events connected to the first Gulf War, but I cannot write a definitive book on the subject because it happened recently enough that it is still impacting people's lives. Are there events that have been lost to time? Yes. The land of Punt is a largely unknown quantity for historians. But we know it existed because of the impact it had on ancient Egypt. 

2. The right side of history If you want to see my blood boil, say this phrase in front of me. It's almost become a threat today - if you want to be on the right side of history, then you'll do X. But there is no right or wrong side of history. History doesn't (or shouldn't) take sides. History can only tell you what was and what resulted from that. We should learn from these things, but we cannot make moral judgments about events. A thing isn't good or bad because it happened. A thing is good or bad because of the motivations and decisions of people that made it happen. As a Christian historian, I could judge something by whether or not it follows God's laws and plans. But for secular historians, right and wrong are defined by popular opinion, and that changes like the wind. 

I have so many more thoughts about this. Avoiding the news seems impossible these days, and there is always someone ready to excoriate you for holding an opinion, not holding an opinion, or just existing in a way that offends them. I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it: all I can do is live in a way that is pleasing to God, doing my best to fulfill his plan for my life, and encouraging others to do the same. 

History will write itself. It was ever thus. We just happen to know how it ends. 

My Brain Is Trying to Kill Me

Okay. Let's do this.

So, I've kinda hinted around this, sometimes openly stated things, but I wanted to be really open about what I'm dealing with right now. 

In addition to the ongoing other health concerns, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 

What is that, you ask.

Well, it's really in the name. But let's focus on the 'generalized' portion because that's what makes it unique to each individual and also what makes it so annoying.

Google will tell you a lot about this topic. It's characterized by persistent and excessive worry or fear. It's caused by a combination of environmental and biological factors. It can manifest in a hundred different ways. And because it's general, there's nothing specific to cure or work on. 

What does it look like for me? I'm pretty much always on edge. I feel constant tension in every muscle. I get restless, I'm tired all the time, and at times, I can find it difficult to breathe. My heart starts racing. I can be very claustrophobic. I don't like driving because I feel like I'm stuck in my car. I have to constantly be doing something to keep my brain active and distracted. Sometimes it's not enough. And it feels like it's never going to end.

So, questions. Lord knows, I've had many, and I'm sure you do as well. I'm happy to answer yours when I can, but hopefully, the following will cover the bases.

1. What caused it?

Great question. I would love to be able to lay all the blame on the pandemic. But if I'm honest, which I try to be, this has been brewing since before the pandemic. Did the pandemic exacerbate it? Absolutely. It has made my world very small. But there have also been financial stressors, political upheaval, social unrest... Take your pick. There are also genetic factors. Depression runs in my family. My personality is such that my brain has always worked against me. I overthink things. So if you're looking for a specific cause that can be removed and cure me, you (and I) are out of luck.

2. What are you doing about it?

I'm working with my doctors to find the right medication. I have therapy appointments. I talk to my family. I pray a lot. I'm hoping being more open about this will help as well. There's a stigma around mental health. I've had to fight against my own instincts to keep it hidden. But it doesn't help to not talk about it. Keeping quiet just makes my world that much smaller, and that's not good for someone with claustrophobia. I'm not okay. And that's okay. I'm learning how to take things sometimes an hour at a time. 

3. Are you still able to work?

I do what I can. Some days are better than others. I concentrate on getting as much done on those days as I can. Other days are less productive. My bosses have been pretty understanding of my situation. I take sick time when I need it. But I mostly use weekends to recharge for the week.

4. You're a Christian. Shouldn't you trust God to take this away? Why would God make you experience this? Shouldn't you be stronger?

Oi. Hit me where it hurts why don't you? Seriously, though, I ask myself these questions. Especially that last one. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling weak. I feel like I should be better at handling this. I should be stronger. I should have more faith. How can I be a missionary who teaches people about Jesus and yet be struggling so much to even breathe sometimes?

I can't answer these questions. I can say that my faith in God is the only thing keeping me going every day. It's the only thing giving me purpose and meaning. I cling to 2 Timothy 1:7 - for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. It gives me hope that this will end. I'm being open about this because I know other people will be experiencing similar things, and I want you to know that you're not alone. There is hope. 

Like I said, I know you'll have questions. Please feel free to ask them. I'll answer as best I can. I'm still working this out. I'm not particularly enjoying it. But I want to totally honest about life right now. And life is rough.

Why Christian Missions Should Be Talking About New Tribes... And Others

Consider this your warning. We're going to talk about some difficult things. Specifically, I'm responding to this article about New Tribes. Click the link and read it. Please. Because these things do happen and people refuse to talk about them, and that is no longer an option. It should never have been an option. I'm serious about the warning. Don't read this if you want to remain naive.

I'm going to cover a lot of stuff in here. I anticipate the length of this blog post will be essay-like. But this article brought up a lot of thoughts and issues, some of which I have personal experience with and some of which I don't. I'm going to try to remain coherent, but I think you all know by now that I tend to go off on side rants and forget to string together my main points. Before I go through the article, I want to make some things clear. 

1. I was not a victim of sexual abuse as a child. 

2. I am horrified and appalled at the actions of New Tribes as an organization and at the actions of many of its employees.

3. I am not surprised by either the actions of the organization nor by the actions of its employees. 

I think those are important points to clarify, particularly the first. I don't have trauma of this type hidden in my past, so my commentary on it can only be that of an outsider. Also, I want to reassure you that this isn't going to be some accusatory post - I don't personally know any of these people, nor do I know of anyone who is abusing children (because if I did, they'd either be in jail or in the ground). 

I'm also going to try not to make this an indictment of evangelicals and missions in general. I am an evangelical Christian missionary, and as ludicrous as I find it sometimes to be all of those things (again, this shouldn't be shocking to you, but if it is, we can definitely have a conversation about it), I feel genuinely called by God to share my faith with others, and specifically, to do it through the particular organization with which I serve. 

Also, it's very easy to look at something in hindsight and condemn the 'obvious' problematic aspects of this particular case. But the premise is theoretically sound - keep your children safe and give them a good education by sending them to boarding school. It's been done for years, and ideally, it would produce well-educated, possibly mildly socially-inhibited children. But if you are not very careful, you end up with exactly the situation that New Tribes had, whether you're a Christian organization or not (though it tends to be worse in Christian organizations, the reasons for which we will hopefully explore later). 

Because people ignore a fundamental aspect of life: people are inclined toward evil. Everyone likes to think that people are naturally good. They are wrong. Because of the Fall, we are all born with the old nature. If we think we can get away with something (and even sometimes when we know we won't), we will try. And if we get away with it once (and again, even if we don't), we'll keep doing it until it's so entrenched in our lives that you need dynamite to get it out. 

(Jesus is the dynamite in this scenario, in case you were wondering.)

Now, when people become Christians, there's this assumption that they no longer have the old nature. They've started this new life with Christ and everything is hunky-dory. But I'm going to posit a theory that this assumption is wrong. The old nature is still there. We just don't have to be a slave to it. But this requires us to constantly seek after God's will. We have to be active followers of Jesus, meaning we do the work involved in a constant striving for perfection. Jesus told us to be perfect as he is perfect. Is it possible in this life? That's a debate for another time (and one I think I've had on here before). But I think we should assume it is. We should constantly be working to be better than we were yesterday. 

But that's not what happens. We get complacent. We hear "Jesus forgives you" and we think, "Cool. I'm set." We assume that we are immune to temptation. We lie to ourselves that we aren't really doing anything wrong or we'll just try something once and then repent or we're exempt from that particular commandment or we're just terrible people so what's the point of trying. And then we support each other in our lies - we hear 'avoid the appearance of evil' and think that means 'hide the evil that exists.' We tell each other that we have to sacrifice some things for the good of the mission, that standards can be lowered so numbers can be raised, that a few bad apples don't spoil the crate. 

And that's how you end up with New Tribes. 

(We're picking on them here because they were the ones who got caught and have had their dirty laundry aired publicly. But they are not the sole perpetrators of this, and I will in no way be surprised when stories start coming out about other organizations.)

****

So here's the story. Back in the '80s and '90s (and I'm only limiting myself to that time frame because it's what was in the article and what has been investigated), some dorm parents at New Tribes boarding schools were sexually abusing the missionary kids who were under their care. Some of the abuse was reported right away. Most was not until much later. When it was reported, New Tribes invariably sided with the perpetrator while telling the victim to keep it quiet. There was no investigation until 2010 (and that was only one school). 

I'm going to start with the problematic elements that are glaring in retrospect and should have been apparent at the time. 

1. New Tribes deliberately separated children from their parents. In some cases, I can maybe make a case for this - serving in a security risk country or lack of educational options. But nine times out of ten, I don't see how separating parents and children benefits either of them. 

2. In many cases, there was only one dorm parent for dozens of kids. If the Wiggles can figure out that they shouldn't be left alone with children and that their hands should be visible at all times, it should be apparent to everyone. (Google it.)

3. Dorm parents had access to the rooms of children of the opposite sex. And yes, I realize that same sex access is a problem as well. Basically, doing anything as a dorm parent without a team member with you is a problem. 

4. Missionary kids, by nature, are going to be more vulnerable. We call them TCKs - third culture kids. They don't necessarily fit into the culture of their parents, but they also don't fully fit into the culture of where they live. They create a third culture with elements from both. This can be incredibly confusing, and if kids are already inclined to internalize things, they will also keep quiet about something that they know is wrong, but don't know who to talk to or how to talk about it. 

5. The mission statement of New Tribes set the tone for risky behavior. They fostered an environment that encouraged people to keep quiet about anything that would damage their reputation or hinder them from achieving certain goals. 

6. Their policy (actual, supposedly debated policy) was to not report sexual abuse to the police, either in the field or to authorities in the United States. How you justify this, I don't know. 

There are probably other things, but honestly, this should be enough. One is enough. When you have all of them working in concert, you create an environment that leads exactly where it led. 

Which is why I can't say I'm surprised. As much as it's not an excuse, missions in the 20th century was like the Wild West. There was a huge surge in evangelistic efforts, and oftentimes, ideals and people fell through the cracks. Problems were papered over in the race to save souls. And we're suffering for it now. Some organizations have learned from their mistakes and created policies to guard against similar ones in the future. But I'm afraid that there are others who haven't learned anything from this. They believe it couldn't possibly happen to them. They're all Christians, after all. 

That is a foolish and naive attitude. 

****

There is a lot about this article that makes me angry. But I want to highlight some specific elements that pushed me from angry to livid to screaming into a pillow in the studio. (I won't include descriptions of the abuse because that really was enough to make me throw up. These will be more attitudes and actions that contributed to the problem instead of helping to solve it.)

"I think high-risk offenders are drawn to that environment because these groups are often in desperate need of staff, there's minimal accountability and significant numbers of vulnerable people," Tchividjian said. "That's a perfect recipe for a sexual offender."

This is so true, and I can't emphasize that enough. Mission agencies are DESPERATE for staff. It's why the accountability problem is so difficult to solve. It's hard enough to find one person to serve in a particular ministry, let alone two. And yet instead of saying, "Well, we can't find the personnel, so we're just not going to do this," we just let it go on. We make excuses, figure it will be fine. We're all Christian, after all. Why do we do this? Why, if we know something won't be done properly and well, do we assume that it has to be done? Sometimes, you have to let things fail or end or fizzle out. IF it's something you feel God has called your organization to do, then don't you think God will also provide the means to get it done well? 

"By unflinching determination we hazard our lives and gamble all for Christ until we have reached the last tribe regardless of where that tribe might be," the group said in the May 1943 issue of its official magazine, "Brown Gold."

So I'm not even going to touch that magazine title. The colonial overtones of 20th century missions have always made my skin crawl. But I will address that mission statement. Because it sounds great, doesn't it? We do whatever it takes to reach as many people as possible for Jesus. But it's that phrase 'gamble all for Christ' that I have very specific problems with. There are very fundamental things required of a disciple of Jesus Christ. Love God (and much of that is obedience to what God commands) and love others (specifically as Jesus loved them, meaning you willingly lay your life down for them if necessary and you don't impede someone's journey to and with Jesus). When you say 'gamble all,' it implies that you are also gambling those fundamental things. You say 'gamble' and I hear 'be reckless and do whatever it takes.' (Don't get me started on "Reckless Love," okay? Just don't.) And once you start to have a mentality of anything goes, you've set yourself up for all kinds of problems.

For years, Mikitson dared not speak up. She and the other former students said they were taught reporting negative things could jeopardize their parents' work and strip the locals of the chance to have their souls saved.

THIS. I wish I could tell you that this attitude doesn't exist today, but boy howdy, does it ever. I see it in organizations, I see it in churches, I see it in specific ministries. DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO DISRUPT THE PRIMARY MISSION. IGNORE THE FACT THAT WE'VE ALREADY DONE THAT BY ALLOWING CERTAIN ACTIONS TO GO UNREMARKED UPON AND UNPUNISHED. Every time I encounter this, I understand why someone responds negatively to Christianity. Why would I want to be part of something that allows stuff like this to happen, that in fact actively encourages a coverup? We've only made it harder to share the Good News of Jesus by not practicing what we preach. And then I have to find a way to explain why the actions of others do not reflect the reality of a true Christian life. 

"They asked me to describe what had happened, and I told them," Kelly said. "And they told me to not say anything. It was my duty to protect my family, to protect my dad, and if I did say anything, if I did tell anybody anything, my dad would be thrown in a Filipino jail."

Within a week, Kelly said, her family was shipped out of the Philippines and flown to Missouri to attend therapy sessions with a mission counselor.

"After two weeks we were pronounced healed and whole," Kelly said. "Those were their words."

Emory was ordered to leave the mission, Kelly said, but the real reason for the family's sudden relocation was kept secret from all but a few in the organization.

"You try to do the right thing," Kelly said. "We got shushed and rushed out of the country. They made us all stay quiet. They silenced us."

This entire section illustrates the culture perfectly. Why are the kids the ones who are punished for the adults' actions? The kids are the only innocent parties in this. Telling them to be quiet about something like this just tells them that they are the ones at fault. And then the whole counseling thing - sure, yes, absolutely do that. But no one is 'healed' of the torment inflicted upon them by sexual abuse in two weeks. This is a classic example of an organization that could not ignore the issue, so they quietly made it go away. What Christian organization (or non-Christian one, for that matter) wants to admit that a predator walked among them? So they lie by omission about the reason for someone's departure. They use euphemisms (and if you haven't seen "Spotlight" about the Catholic abuse scandal in Boston, you really should. The lengths to which the Church went to disguise their problem are ridiculous.) and knowing looks. They cast doubt on the accuser and hide under the umbrella of grace. And they force people out of the calling that God placed on their lives. 

Mikitson's father, John, said he called New Tribes around 1989 to report Brooks, and the response left him stunned.

"You are going to ruin this man's ministry if you keep talking about this," he said he was told.

HIS MINISTRY IS ALREADY RUINED!!!! Just because 'no one else knows' about what he did, he's living a lie. Everything he does from that point on is tainted. Again, why would I become a Christian if he's your prime example of what being a Christian is?

"If it is a homosexual act with a child, the person will be dismissed immediately and may never be considered for membership in the mission again. If it is a heterosexual act the person will be dismissed immediately but could be considered for ministry again in the future depending on the case. If it occurs in the field, it is not necessary to report it to the Senegalese or U.S. authorities. It must be investigated as not doing so could be ruinous for the mission."

The double standard here is ridiculous. Yes, homosexuality is a sin. But guess what? So is sex outside of marriage, having an affair, and a number of other things that we now frown upon but allow with little comment. THERE IS NO HIERARCHY OF SIN!! Sin is sin is sin. (Try that one on for size, Lin-Manuel Miranda.) Preying on children of the opposite sex should not be more palatable than preying on children of the same sex. And the whole issue of allowing someone to be considered for ministry again... Look, as a Christian, I have to believe that everyone is capable of redemption. Everyone who repents of their sin (which means not only confessing it but also changing behavior!) and accepts Jesus as their Savior will go to Heaven. Everyone, from the guy who maybe shoplifted a few times and told a lie or two to the guy who molested children in a missionary school to the guy who ordered the murder of millions of Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, and whoever else he didn't like. It's a hard pill to swallow. But that does not mean that they are absolved of any consequences in this life. And there should be consequences. One of those might be that that person is not considered for ministry again - and if they are, I'd watch them like a hawk. Forgive, but DO NOT FORGET. That is biblical. I like this answer.  And finally, not reporting something just so you don't look bad is stupid. You look worse when it eventually comes out. And it will come out. Always. Take charge of the narrative, own up to the mistake, and do what you can to serve those who have been wronged.

New Tribes changed its name to Ethnos 360 in May 2017.

"You have an organization that had to deal with some press and people talking about it but in large part has moved on and continues to do their work around the world."

I mostly included that because I don't want it to get lost. They are still around. And again, I can't be the judge of whether or not that is a good thing or a bad thing. I've had no interaction with New Tribes or their latest iteration. But I don't know that I want to. (They actually do acknowledge the story on their website, which I have to give them credit for, but their response is not exactly satisfying.) If you're debating about joining a mission organization or donating to one, do your research! Figure out what your standards are and determine as best as you can whether that organization meets them. 

"I haven't lost my trust in God," [Joy Drake] said. "I lost my trust in people that claim to be godly."

I don't know that I've related to a statement more than this one. Look, I often joke that I don't particularly like people. I get that it's a weird thing to say, especially for a missionary. But this is a struggle for me. People are capable of the worst kinds of evil, and to know that and still tell them about the love of Jesus and the wonders of Heaven feels like an oxymoron sometimes. But there's the other side of that coin. People are capable of the worst kinds of evil, but Jesus loves us anyway. He wants us anyway. He made a home for us anyway. He sends his followers anyway. There's a reason my blog is titled Because His Love Compels Us. I don't do what I do because I'm such a good person. I wouldn't be doing this if I was the one determining my journey in life. That's just a fact. I do what I do because it's what God wants me to do. I love people because Jesus loves them. I get angry when people who are supposed to be doing the same thing for the same reason screw up. And yes, people fail. This life is a battle. It's not easy to obey God's commands. I fail often. But own up to it! Seek forgiveness and make reparations. Don't shove it under a rug or in a dark corner or in the back of a closet. Don't normalize it. And please please please, if you've been a victim of this or something else, understand that God is not the one who has failed you. The people who did it to you and the people who knew about it and did nothing are the ones who failed you. This is why we don't put our faith in people or things. We put our faith in God. 

Several missionary groups, not just New Tribes, have been battling to keep a lid on their own ugly pasts, according to Tchividjian. He said he's "lost count" of the number of people who have reached out to him with stories of physical and sexual abuse within various mission organizations.

It is still happening. Why? Because evil persists. There are things we can do to guard against it, but we live in a fallen world. We're surrounded by people who are struggling against these evil desires, and quite often, they lose. But we can't lose hope. We still have to do what we can to guard our own hearts and lives and those of people around us. Because as a Christian organization, we have to live by different standards.

****

So what does OMS do to guard against this happening here? And do I trust that it won't happen in our organization?

Here are a few things we do, in no particular order: 

1. Missionaries have to raise their own support. This might seem like an odd thing to put on this list, but it does provide some measure of reassurance. Because they aren't wrong - this environment attracts a specific type of person. And if you can deter a few by making them raise their own support, absolutely do it. (There are other reasons to raise support, and there are reasons not to, but for the purposes of this list, I think it does make the ones who are already predators think twice.)

2. OMS has a child safety team that is specifically trained to investigate abuse allegations. They were carefully selected from our current missionary members, and I trust them to be thorough and vocal in their investigations. (To my knowledge, we have not yet had to make use of their services, thank God. But the fact that we all know they exist is a step further than some.)

3. OMS conducts background checks on all missionary candidates. We have a comprehensive application process (which, yes, I complain about sometimes, but it serves an important purpose) that includes online and in-person wellness interviews. We do panel interviews instead of one-on-one. Any red flags are pursued.

4. Remember when I talked about avoiding the appearance of evil? This is actually a good thing when you do it the right way. We don't want to do anything that makes people raise an eyebrow or question what is really going on. 

There are probably others, but this is getting quite long, and I can't think of anything else right now. 

As for my second question, can I state categorically that this particular situation won't ever happen at OMS? No, I can't. I can't even say it hasn't happened in the past. To my direct knowledge, it has not happened on an organizational level. But I've heard enough stories and read between enough lines to know that some Very Bad Things have happened in our history. We're not perfect, we don't have a foolproof plan, and we still live in a fallen world. I do my best to be on the lookout for it now, though. I don't want to assume it can't happen, because it absolutely can. There are a lot of things that can happen. I never want us to be so consumed by our reputation that we start hiding things from ourselves and the world. And I don't want to get so caught up in the Job that I forget about the people around me. Because I believe in the Great Commission. I believe in the mission of OMS. And I don't want that to be ruined because we forgot the fundamentals.

****

A few years ago, I attended the Christian Leadership Alliance conference in Florida. Francis Chan was the speaker, and his last message was this: some of you are engaging in acts that will permanently damage your organizations when the story comes out. And the story WILL come out. So come forward now. Resign. Repent. Be honest with yourselves and your constituents and with God. Because THAT is more Christian than covering it up.  

One of my coworkers that was also attending leaned over. "I'm guessing we'll hear about some resignations soon."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I agreed. We would hear about resignations. But it would take months. And we would only hear about them in the context of the scandal that came in its wake. 

This was a long one. But I think it needed to be. I probably overlooked some things. I probably missed a few points. But I think we need to create a culture that takes responsibility for its mistakes, deliberate or otherwise. We need a culture that listens to accusations and actually investigates them instead of assuming that they couldn't be true. We need a culture that works to rehabilitate offenders while still giving appropriate punishments. We need a culture that acknowledges the hurt we've done to people we're trying to help, and we need to work with them to help them heal. We need a culture that practices discipline and humility. We need to be in constant communication with God and with our fellow believers about how we can be better today than we were yesterday. 

Quite frankly, we need Heaven on Earth. But until we get to that point, we need constant vigilance. 

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. 

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, 

seeking someone to devour." 

1 Peter 5:8

The Art (and Nuance) of War

Here's the speech I wish I could give when I show off my swords during CROSS-training:


Spiritual warfare is real.

I know, you think you believe that. I might even believe that you believe that.

But I don't think you understand the reality of it. You hear the words spiritual warfare and you assume it looks like actual warfare. I apologize for some of that. I did bring swords, after all.

But I also brought my knives. Small ones, big ones, dull ones, sharp ones. Sometimes people don't know they're at war until the knife has slipped between ribs and been pulled out again. (Insert tangent on that one episode of Sherlock here.)

You think spiritual warfare is going to be obvious. Demonic possession and storming the gates of hell through prayer and split pea soup projectile vomit. It's something that is always going to be bad and depressing. It's going to be recognizable because the devil will be opposing your ministry, and obviously you'll notice something like that.

And sometimes, yeah. It'll be obvious.

Except for all the times it isn't.

Here's what spiritual warfare looks like.

*It's losing a filling on a holiday weekend when you already have 20 other things to think about but it's a constant presence in your mouth and you don't really have a dentist nor the money to fix this.

*It's being awakened by the sound of something shattering at 6 AM when you have the day off and it's your first chance to sleep in in months.

*It's your support system slowly being stripped away so that when you realize what's happening, you feel like there's no one left to call.

*It's every traffic jam and fender bender and closed street and aggressive driver and late train and confusing sign and flat tire and broken mirror.

It's finding out your friend has cancer and there's nothing you can do.

*It's driving to the wrong restaurant to pick up dinner when your week has been brutal and you just needed something hot and good.

It's a job offer for more money and security than you've ever had in your life but it means walking away from everything you've been working toward.

It's your ministry going really well and sure, it's headed in a more compassionate direction and you haven't shared the Gospel in months, but people are showing up and you don't want to make them uncomfortable by suddenly making it about God, right?

It's your kid being targeted by the school bully.

It's your kid being the school bully.

*It's not knowing if you're losing weight because your diet is working or that health problem has returned.

It's smiling at those vaguely flirty texts that were not sent by your significant other.

*It's finding a new book series or TV show that is just really engaging and so you binge it until all those things you were going to do just somehow didn't get done. 

*It's the paralyzing anxiety you feel when you pick up the phone to ask someone to support your ministry. 

It's deciding to move in together because you're going to get married eventually and it just makes sense.

*It's your work computer shutting down at random multiple times in the month preceding your trip to Washington to learn about support raising and deleting the progress you've made on preparing for said trip.

*It's your home computer dying at roughly the same time.

It's life. 

Spiritual warfare isn't something that is declared by Congress. 

It started the moment you accepted Jesus as your Savior. Satan doesn't need to make life uncomfortable for those who are already in his back pocket. But he'll come after Christians with everything he's got. And it won't always be obvious. 

It's a war of attrition. 

It is death by a thousand paper cuts. 

If you aren't living every day in a war mentality, you are losing ground.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!




That's what I want to tell them.

But I'll tell you that everything starred above is how the devil is screwing with my life right now. 

Future Comments

As a rule, I don't talk politics on here. Or say extremely controversial things. (Mildly controversial is fine.) I don't really want to break that streak now. But...

Last week, I read an article in New York magazine. It's about a cyber attack in December 2017. No, I didn't get the date wrong. It was describing a large event that could happen based on isolated incidents in the last few years. I found it to be quite an interesting article, if more than a little terrifying.

Based on what has happened in the last few months, I wrote my own predictive text for a future article.

Read into it what you will.


"Over the next few months, attacks increased exponentially. The response was also exponential, but in the opposite direction. Where once a mass shooting would monopolize the evening news, eventually only triple digits inspired more than a standard blurb in minute fifteen. Investigations took place, but largely only into isolated incidents - few bothered to take more than a cursory look into possible links between worldwide events. Those who did were stonewalled by political posturing and cultural apologetics. Officials feared assigning labels such as 'terrorism' or 'evil' because of the inevitable backlash from the media and the more vocal members of the public. By the time anyone (outside of a small minority who were ignored) recognized the common denominator, it was too late."



How long do you think it will take for this article to become reality?

I'd like to provide an appropriately horrified and saddened response to all of the attacks that are taking place. People are dying, in ways they couldn't anticipate, at the hands of people who don't seem to need provocation or reason beyond a complete disregard for the sanctity of human life.

But it seems like there's a new attack every other day. Sometimes every day. And keeping up that level of horror and sadness is exhausting. Day by day, it becomes a little more commonplace. It's accepted that this is going to happen. And my own respect for the sanctity of human life is diminished.

I don't want to live in this kind of world. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I was listening to someone talk about the "broken windows" policy in policing. If you leave a broken window in a building, eventually all of the windows will be broken. People will assume that, since no one cared to fix the first window, no one will care about the rest of them. Ignoring problems only creates bigger problems. Claiming that a broken window is not actually a broken window but a cultural norm or a broken door does not fix the problem.

Only by facing the problem head on, i.e. recognizing a broken window for what it is, fixing the window, and preventing what broke it in the first place from happening again, can we begin to make progress. 

Five Years. Really?

(The following is a speech I will give, am giving, gave - depending on when you read this - at my five-year recognition chapel at OMS. If you'd rather hear it, I'm sure I'll post a link to it somewhere. There's a ton more I could talk about after five years, and I probably will in the blog soon. For now, enjoy.)

All right. Here we go.

I've been struggling with what to say on this, the fifth plus a bit anniversary of my time at OMS, ever since Kathy told me about it back in August. 

Okay, if you know me, you know that's not entirely accurate. I've been freaking out about it ever since I learned we do this kind of thing at OMS.

So, about five years. 

I've asked quite a few people what I should talk about today. Some were helpful. Some were not. I credit Foster Pilcher with the idea of writing a blog post and just reading that. So I did. Incidentally, if you'd like to read along, this posted about ten minutes ago. becausehislovecompelsus.blogspot.com

Five years ago, I started working here. But the journey really started about seven and a half years ago when I traveled to Sierra Leone, West Africa. On that trip, as I looked out over the city of Freetown, I felt that God was telling me that my future would involve missions of some kind. Six months later, I was interviewing with OMS.

I'll be honest. It took me a while to figure this place out. Y'all are holiness people, and as a rule, you're a little more touchy-feely than I'm used to. I also come from a denomination that historically has had a fairly narrow definition of the word 'missionary.' There are some people who do not consider what we do in HQ to be missionary work. That's something I've had to overcome both personally and professionally. 

So, two years. That's what I promised God. I'll do this mission thing for two years, and then I'll move on to The Plan. If you're not following along, The Plan is capitalized. I like Plans. I like routine, I like knowing what the next thing is. My Birkman is quite clear on this. 

So imagine my surprise when I reached the end of that two years and thought, "You know, I think I could do another year." You're smiling, but this was by no means a sure thing. 

Before we get to that, though, there are two things I need to highlight about those two years, and they actually happened within months of each other. First, I traveled to Thailand and South Asia in April 2011. Mike Dragon said last week that the first thing they do when you visit South Asia is break your heart. And he's right. I honestly didn't know how to deal with that trip. So I did the worst thing possible and shut down. I still have trouble talking about it. 

Then, in June of 2011, still not quite recovered, I went to Poland. And yes, I went for ministry purposes, but I want to talk about the day I spent in Auschwitz and Birkenau. 

I'm a history major. No matter what else I do in this life, I will always identify as a historian. And I had a lot of head knowledge about the Holocaust before this trip. I knew the numbers, I had seen the photos, I heard eyewitness accounts. 

But now I was walking where it happened. I saw the barracks designed for horses that instead housed hundreds of people. I saw desperate words scrawled on the walls of death chambers. I saw rooms of suitcases, shoes, and human hair stolen from millions of people. 

Needless to say, it was pretty impactful.

I came away from those trips with three things made abundantly clear. 

1. Satan is very real. 

2. It is a lot easier to serve evil than it is to do good.

3. We have hope. 

That last one may seem a little incongruous with the others. And it may seem hard to come away from a place like Auschwitz feeling hopeful. Even South Asia might seem like a stretch.

But for as difficult as a place like South Asia is, the Gospel is advancing. One of the things I vividly recall is standing on the shore watching dozens of people be baptized. It's a pretty incredible sight, made all the more remarkable when you know that persecution is not just a buzzword for these people. It's a reality. When I got off the plane in the capital, there was a notable oppression of spirit. I could almost feel the enemy working. But that just means he's scared. Satan doesn't have to work hard when he knows he's in control of a place.

Which brings us to Auschwitz. People talk about that place as though they can almost hear the cries of victims. And it is admittedly creepy to walk through the gas chambers. But mostly, I felt empty. I felt like I was seeing the pinnacle of evil. Like Satan had gotten things started and then let humanity take over, and this is what they achieved.

But I was talking about hope. And as we know from history, the Allies won. People realized what they were capable of. And for a little while, people pursued righteousness. Auschwitz now stands as a memorial and as a symbol of things that should never happen again.

Okay, so I sometimes go off on these rants on my blog. I apologize.

Let's go back to that third year. I finally felt like I was fitting in, or at least my brand of crazy was appreciated. So naturally, things started going wrong. I was in a pretty severe depression for several months. And I need to address this because we don't talk about depression much in Christian circles. I understand that. I don't really want to talk about it myself. But I talked to a counselor at my church about it, and she very nicely handed me a pamphlet that said my depression was a sign that I probably had a secret sin or that I wasn't close enough to Jesus. I'm here to tell you that the only reason I made it through is because I was desperately clinging to Jesus. He gave me hope that I would get out of the valley. And I eventually did.

I was pretty sure I'd be leaving OMS after three years, which was extremely disappointing. I felt like I was becoming the best version of myself here, and I didn't know how that would translate in the wider world. My Plan had changed, and I didn't like that.

But then I was offered a beacon of hope. A chance to stay for one more year. I'm not going to lie. It was a hard year. I was frustrated. I felt like I was losing whatever perspective I'd gained. So when the year was up, I was finally ready to leave. I had begged God for two more years. And now I was begging to move on.

It really looked like it was going to happen, too. My contract was up, I'd applied elsewhere, and yet every time I went to pack up my things, I'd hit a wall. It felt wrong.

And then ECC came calling. And I knew God was telling me to stay. I would officially be at OMS for a full five years. It's been a long road. I don't know how you guys focus on just one thing that happened. Five years is a long time.

But if I had to narrow it down to one lesson, that lesson would be hope. I'm a pretty cynical person. I will pretty much always see the worst-case scenario. But I have also become a hopeful person. And the source of my hope is and always will be Jesus Christ. I have been redeemed, and that gives me hope for the rest of the world. If even one third of the people we reach with our one billion opportunity gives their life to Jesus, can you imagine what that would do to the world?

I don't know where I will be five years from now. I'd love to be back up here, sharing my special brand of eccentricity and failing to concentrate on just one thing about the next five years. But wherever I am, I hope that I'm bringing hope to others. That's my new Plan.

Before I leave, I want to publicly thank a few people for getting me through the last five years. To my parents, for your unwavering support and for letting me cry on your shoulders, thank you. To my sisters, who gave me their own special brand of encouragement, thanks, I guess. To Lori McFall, for being a second mom, a sister, and a best friend rolled into one, thank you. To Sam Downey, for being a port in a stormy sea, thank you. To all of you, for sharing in my journey, thank you. And to God, for giving me exactly what I need when I need it, whether I like it or not, thank you. 

Still a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

All right, so yesterday was self-indulgent and stupid. I let things get the better of me. It'll happen again, but I'll try not to be so melodramatic about it.

Let's talk about something important.

The world has gone mad.

In the States, we're two steps away from electing a bombast (fill in the blank with your least favorite candidate). Cops and civilians alike are getting killed for no other reason than that they are cops and civilians. 30,000 people are battling wildfires that have killed dozens more. And the trending topic is a feud between Nickel Menace and Wiley Coyote. Or something like that.

In Europe, four million people have fled Syria because the Islamic State doesn't care who it kills as long as there's some kind of murder with breakfast. Millions more have fled other countries for similar reasons. These refugees are drowning or being packed into railway stations or beaten at borders because most of Europe really doesn't want them. And the trending topic is a misting shower designed to keep people cool.

In Asia, at least two countries have passed strict anti-conversion laws. Bombs are going off in major cities. North Korea is puffing its feathers again, and China has decided they want a bigger slice of the pie. Their trending topic is flipping Mel Gibson.

And Latin America? Well, the Guatemalan president has resigned. Ecuador is rounding up religious leaders and putting them in prison. Increased hurricane activity is taxing resources more than ever. Increased violence just about everywhere. And the top video on the BBC Latin America page is about making tacos al pastor in Mexico City.

I could go on. And yes, obviously some people are paying attention and trying to do something.

But even more are burying their heads in the sand.

Every time I watch the news, I think, Surely, this will be it. People can't possibly ignore this. This will be what finally makes them wake up.

Unfortunately, the thing that ends up waking these people up? Will probably be the thing that kills them two seconds later.

Sorry. This was supposed to be more uplifting. So here we go.

THERE IS HOPE!

This is what a world looks like without Jesus. Now imagine a world that knows and loves and follows Jesus.

You know what to do. 

Sometimes...

I'm going to tell you a secret. 

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I don't feel very missionary-y. Sometimes I don't even feel very Christian. 

Sometimes, I'm really annoyed with people. Sometimes, I want to slap people across the face and ask them how they can be so dense. Sometimes, I don't want to give people a chance to hear about Jesus because they have been so utterly stupid and hurtful and deliberately in contradiction with Truth. 

Sometimes, the people I'm annoyed with are fellow Christians. Sometimes they seem so completely disconnected from reality. Sometimes I wonder how we could possibly be serving the same God. 

Sometimes, I'm annoyed with myself. Sometimes I get so annoyed that, for every step forward, I sometimes take two steps backward in my faith. Sometimes I feel so angry with myself because I know how sad I'm making God.

Today is all those times.

Whaddaya know? I'm human.

(I'm reminded of Galatians 6:9. I'm not giving up! I'm just hanging on by fingertips.)

Spiritual warfare isn't always an obvious attack.

And it's not always an ambush.

Sometimes, it's an insidious, subtle worm of fear and doubt that creeps in to steal your joy and peace and contentment.

Sometimes, it's a heavy mist that obscures all bright visions of the future.

Sometimes, it's an oppression of the spirit, a weight on your chest.

A mouth sewn shut.

Sanctuary

Some things have been happening here. Personal things, but the kind that affect work things. Things I can't really talk about. I'm okay physically, but my emotional and spiritual states have taken a beating. I was able to go home last weekend, and I'm going to Conference next week, and I think time away helps. But it also feels a little bit like running away. 

I like labels. This may seem like an odd segue, but it applies. If something has a label, it has an identity. I can define it and begin to understand it. 

I can't label this thing. Sure, there are labels that seem to apply, but only superficially and only for a time. I don't understand this thing. I don't want to be one of those people who ignores a thing because they don't understand it. That's ignorant. But at the same time, the emotional effort it would take to understand this thing makes me want to run even faster in the other direction. 

I usually find a lot of comfort in the Psalms. The writers are human, and they are totally on board with expressing their very human emotions, sometimes in extremely passionate ways. And they are pretty great at describing God, even in their limited ways. 

My comfort these last few weeks has come from Psalm 18:30. 

"As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him."

God understands the thing. He's known it was coming for always. He knows how it will turn out. And he's providing sanctuary for those who desperately need it.