Star Wars: The Rise of Meh

Okay, we're finally doing this. I watched the first disappointment in the theater. I watched the second farce under duress. Now I'm finally watching this train wreck. I think I've avoided spoilers, but I'm not sure knowing anything about this movie would actually spoil it.

What are we watching? Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

I have some help this time: Philociraptor (P), Yoda's Tree (Y), Nermal (N), and Eli (E).

Let the torture begin.

Good start so far.

And they ruined it with the text scrawl. WHY bring Palpatine into this?

Kylo is a supreme leader now? Doesn't he know that's my title?

Oooh, he's so angry! That sword is still stupid.

Nice Macguffin. I have a feeling this will lead nowhere.

Oh, it's a map? Maybe? That's the most ridiculous way to get anywhere.

(N is still eating the fantastic pizza she made for us.)

Ugh. Palpatine is apparently a ventriloquist.

"The first order was just the beginning." That is unintentionally funny.

Ew, he's real. Gross hands.

E wants to know what Palpatine told everyone using his sinister voice. We're thinking he asked for some chapstick. Maybe lotion.

Dude, forget the girl.

Those long pauses crack me up. Like, I just imagine it going on forever until someone awkwardly slinks away.

This duo. They need their own movie. A better one.

Ooh, R2 is only good for transporting messages. Poor little guy.

Right, because they intended to lose the war before. (I mean, they may have, according to the way the last movies went.)

I don't think that's how hyperspace works. But again, they didn't care about the rules in the last movie. So.

Wow, J.J. really is copying all the movies.

Oh, hey, dead woman.

This is definitely more than Luke had to do. Discrimination against women.

E likes the toaster effect on the helmet.

P is taunting his mother with a pillow.

Kylo and Rey are communing, but I really don't care.

Oh, hey Harrison.

P wants to remake the old movies with better graphics. We had to break the news to him.

WHY IS LEIA A JEDI MASTER?! SHE IS NOT A JEDI. OR A MASTER.

I like that the Falcon always prompts panic.

I feel like we don't have time for this fight. It's funny, though.

THERE'S A HOBBIT!!!!

Yet another planet I care nothing about.

Moz? Maz? And Rose? So many people.

"I need to go alone." "I know! And we're coming with you!"

She's channeling Padme in that outfit. I like it.

C-3PO sounds old.

What's the significance of the lightsaber? Shouldn't she have made her own?

(P is building a nest.)

Forget the helmet, dude. And why is there a monkey?!

Force choke him!

Never mind, he's hilarious.

Y chimed in - "Star Wars is not below cheap tricks."

I have to say, killing your allies is not the wisest move.

Desert mardi gras.

Why is there a Bollywood dance in this movie? N concurs.

Pig children.

This stupid 'who is Rey?' mystery is tired.

E thinks this message thing is weird. I concur.

I sense foreshadowing. And yet I don't care.

"Follow me if you want to live."

Hi Lando.

Oh look, I was right.

Also, there was a muppet.

That was an early bad feeling, says E.

And podracers are back.

Don't they still have TIE fighters? Couldn't they shoot from above much easier than motorcycles?

Flying stormtroopers is cool.

Still can't shoot.

Oh look, they found the one who can shoot. Very convenient.

Roll credits!

E is annoyed at the last words trope.

Yes, be optimistic.

N is laughing at Poe's inadequacies.

I want this dagger.

This is some Harry Potter shizzle here.

Does any of this move the plot forward? Like, it's fun, but it's also pointless.

Is she a Force healer now? P wants to know where this is in canon.

And the knights are now in Assassin's Creed.

Of course there's still power on this ship that's been abandoned for years.

I feel like we're getting the trailer scene now. I just don't know why.

Black in the desert? That's so last season.

Aww, the walking mop.

There's really no reason for this scene. I thought it was dumb before. I still think it's dumb.

Do or do not. Why are you trying?

Tug o' war is the new penis measuring.

Did they just kill Chewie? Those jerks.

THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!!!

I'm so lost.

Oh good, Chewie is alive.

This guy Richard is playing is the mole, right? Like, there's no other reason to pay this much attention to him, right?

We all have High School Musical vibes now. (P says the new HSM show is not good.)

I sense a new marketing opportunity in this droid.

Still very lost. What are we trying to accomplish?

Sure, put the girl in the skintight outfit. Disney is sexist.

Just kidding, girl power!

Ugh, I hate their musical cue.

Like, I thought JJ had already remade "A New Hope." Why are we doing it again?

I thought Rian Johnson was the only one dedicated to erasing the fun parts of Star Wars.

Y and N are in awe of the finger.

Now I'm getting Prince of Egypt vibes.

Aww, Poe, is this love? I'm weirded out that Keri Russell is in this movie.

Pausing for cookies.

P says Disney is basically that scene from "Rogue One" - "You are being rescued. Please do not resist."

So, our intermission was full of bathroom breaks, cookies, dance moves (Cuban shuffle?), and the legend of Zelda.

Okay, back to the movie. We're not even halfway through this thing.

Ugh.

I swear if there are Ewoks in this movie...

Why did the first two movies exist? They made absolutely no difference.

Dude, there are definitely more stormtroopers on this thing than infiltrators.

I don't know if I can accurately represent how much I don't care who Rey is.

Cool imagery, I have to say.

Really, Hux? That's so dumb. But then again, I don't remember what he did in the last movie. Did he do anything? And what's the point of Richard? What's his name?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SHE'S HIS FRICKIN' GRANDDAUGHTER? THAT'S SO FLIPPING DUMB.

I'm really confused about the timeline on this. Did Palpatine have a kid on Naboo? (Also, I shocked the children because I asked who in this universe would jump his bones. Oops.)

Y is really shipping Finn and Rey.

How many times can we wreck the Falcon before it's actually wrecked.

P is wondering how something that exploded can have debris on this random planet.

Has no one heard of erosion?

Y says the Death Star is now an oceanic reef. P says what about the fuel?

These are horses with mop heads on them.

See, this is an interesting stormtrooper story.

P is now outside looking for sasquatches.

I'm fine with Poe not being Leia.

Why did Palpatine need the Macguffin when he already had a Death Star? His hubris would never have allowed him to think he could fail.

Daisy had a lot of practice in slow turns, didn't she?

Look, I admire the writers' creativity in pulling all of this out of their butts. But where is it leading?

Now THAT is a cool lightsaber design.

I like Adam Driver as a person. But not as Kylo Ren.

(N is now referencing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.)

Y is questioning the efficacy of wet lightsabers. I concur.

They are both leaving themselves wide open in this battle.

Leia's making a collect call. Will he accept or decline?

Live by the sword, die by the sword...

OH COME ON!!!

We could have been done with him. We never had to see him again.

Oh, Leia's dead again.

How much did Harrison get paid for this movie?

Nice callback.

Oh good, we're destroying planets again.

"I wish the ring had never come to me."

General. General.

Luke just looks terrible.

I hate this backstory. I hate it so much.

I needed an X-wing. I hate this less now.

Y has reminded me of the milk thing. RUDE.

HSM is back.

That's a heckin' lot of ships.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm being warned that I will hate the end of this movie. I'm inclined to agree.

That's the weirdest life support system I've ever seen.

Dude, get some new lines.

Nice archery. Totally unrealistic. But nice touch.

I've been quiet because this whole thing is dumb. Are these knights Sith? Or just weird ninja things?

Oh good, more Ben/Rey chats.

This is a better fight scene than the last movie. Someone's been training.

thisisnotathingthisisnotathingthisisnot

Oh, snap.

Dude, where have all of these people been this entire time?

IS THAT WEDGE ANTILLES? I LOVE WEDGE!!!

Who are all these robed figures? I'm so confused.

Talk about your overpowered villains.

Oh, good, only the non-important people are dying.

That was kinda cool, with all the voices. I didn't recognize all of them.

P thinks Palpatine looks like a smurf now.

Remember when these movies were simple? I do. I liked those days.

There goes Pryde.

Why can this boy feel the Force again? Did we ever establish that?

Oh good, Ben is back.

Aww, how cute. Ugh.

What a terrible ship.

I'm fine that he's dead. But that's super dumb.

I'm still confused about how this First Order/Empire thing worked. I never had any idea how it worked on a galactic scale. Just these little microcosms that told me nothing.

Oh, there are the Ewoks. Why not.

Learn how to flirt better, Poe.

Chewie finally got his medal!

Y just commented on how rank Rey must smell right now.

This trio was sadly underused.

Is that it? Are we done? Oh, good, Tatooine.

E and P are enjoying remembering whiny Luke.

FINALLY! She made her own lightsaber.

Ugh. Fine. Whatever.

Aaaand we're back on Zelda. Because this movie was just that forgettable.

Okay. Ratings:

Y says 2 out of 5 stars.

P says 4 out of 10, and 3 are for the cinematics. (1 is disgusting, 10 is amazing.)

E says 2 out of 5 because it completely invalidates the other movies.

N says 2.5 out of 5. Way to sit on the fence, Nermal.

Aggregate rating: 2. Out of however many new planets we were introduced to throughout this waste of worldbuilding.

I'm annoyed that I spent time on this movie. But I enjoyed my fellow watchers and their love for me, their true Supreme Overlord.

Trolls Live Blog

I marked this movie for a live blog the second I heard about it. Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick playing creepy, hairy dolls with fake gems for belly buttons?

It's a no-brainer. 

I didn't really play with trolls as a child. They were created before I was born, and despite a brief resurgence (so Wikipedia tells me) in the 90s, I really only remember having a couple of them and not really doing anything with them. 

Seriously, what do you do with trolls?

Make a movie, apparently. (Which is just a huge cash grab for Dreamworks, because they bought the original company in 2013, after they had announced a movie was being made.)

Let's do this.

(Netflix just informed me that Russell Brand is also in this movie. Not off to a good start, guys.)

Singing, dancing, and hugging sounds horrible. But the intro is funny.

Trollsyice?

I think I'm going to like the music, though.

This child is super annoying.

Why only eat trolls once a year? You literally own the tree. Start chopping those suckers up. Start a new restaurant for the elite. This could be your own foi gras.

This is what happens when you only eat trolls once a year - they plan elaborate escape plots. That apparently have to happen on the one day a year when literally everyone has their eyes fixed on your tree?

Is that right? Trolls grow on trees? How does that even work?

Nope. Toilet humor is also on my no-no list.

Woah. Full monty, there, fella.

Dude. Jeffrey Tambor sounded a lot like Robin Williams there.

Sure. Blame the weird chef for your own incompetence. Makes total sense. 

Let me guess... this kid finds happiness without eating a troll, thus dispelling the myth that only troll soufflé can make one happy. Does he fall in love with the servant girl? Because she is giving off stalker vibes.

John Cleese is also in this movie. Points gained!

Creepy child.

There's no way this can be a productive society.

Do they know Michael Jackson? He apparently exists in this universe, what with the P.Y.T. references.

James Corden!

How does that hair even work? And how horrible must that have been for the mother?

Wait. How do trolls reproduce?

They are certainly widely traveled with so many accents. Is this pre- or post-Tower of Babel in their history?

So there's definitely a life cycle.

Oh, Branch. You are your people's Cassandra.

Branch is my spirit animal. Or spirit troll.

And now I'm wondering if the trolls have a god. Or religion. 

I was right. Russell Brand is going to annoy me.

How does a troll evolve to become so unhappy when happiness is apparently the only gene available in the pool?

I'm loving the wooden wheels on this camper. 

That is not a troll. What is this Jamaican-sounding creature?

Seriously, these Bergen things are 1,000x taller than you, and you don't run further away?

He just pooped cupcakes.

I could have told you that hair was a disadvantage.

Okay, for how long were these trolls food? At least long enough for every Bergen to eat at least one (there's another question - do they only get one in their lifetime?). So why did it take so long to escape?

I want Morphmagus hair.

I've often pondered the wisdom of the "no man left behind" policy. On one hand, I totally get it. Every life is valuable, even if we pretend it isn't in every other circumstance. But on the other hand, throwing several lives after one does not satisfy my mental math.

It's convenient that all the ones taken were Poppy's special friends.

I thought Branch smashed the scrapbook thing.

I support this level of paranoia.

Branch is a Prepper. 

How does Poppy get out through the maze of bear traps?

Is this what troll eminent domain looks like?

Hug time is my hell.

She stopped to scrapbook her journey so far? This will go well.

Ah, the circle of life. How has this plant not killed everything around it, yet?

This song is annoyingly catchy.

Wow. Life on a small scale is terrifying.

Look, it's Frodo at the end of The Two Towers. There are even spiders.

And Samwise Gamgee. Who has a frying pan.

When did this become Lord of the Rings?

She is literally scrapbooking his plan! I was really hoping for that.

Where is she hiding all of these scrapbooking tools? I am well aware of how many of those things can accrue over a lifetime. My sister has a basement full of stuff she hasn't touched in years.

Branch and I just said the same thing at the same time. I'm tellin' ya. Spirit troll.

Again. Convenient that she has photos of everyone who was taken.

Is this the first hug time since they left? It can't be. So this conversation makes no sense. Also, I'm betting that hug timer thing comes into play later.

The Sound of Silence. Nice.

Into the fire goes the ukulele. Saw that one coming.

Valid question: who would wear socks without shoes?

This cloud is weird.

I've seen maybe two of these handshakes.

How did all of these Bergens survive being so depressed all the time?

An auto-tuned troll, really? I hate it.

I'm fairly certain most of those trolls could get out of that cage.

"And I bet you weren't expecting this!" "Agh!" "Oh wait, no that's okay."

Hug time. Called it.

I just keep seeing the evil stepmother from Into the Woods whenever I hear the chef.

Yup. Stalker.

Whack-a-troll. Classic.

Aww, dead Grandma.

Okay, Trollstice happens once a year. You don't keep your children (or grandchildren) inside the tree on this day?

"No, it was like an angel's." Yeah, okay, Justin.

This is a weird mix of Grease, Cyrano de Bergerac, and Ratatouille. 

And a little Cinderella for good measure.

Okay, the thing with the skate was funny.

Maybe Peter Pan? With the crocodile?

Is it a croc or an alligator? 

Did not see the traitor coming, though it is Russell Brand. So, you know...

What an asshole. (Sorry, not sorry.)

Jump in anytime, Branch.

Well, we solved that whole "trolls are appetizing" problem.

Get with it, Bridget. 

I like the mix of pop songs and original songs. Though it's a little jarring.

Do they not synchronize their watches? I realize it makes a better song. But these are the things I think about.

Guys. Do you not realize that being sad means you don't get eaten? Probably not the message you meant to send.

Okay, what is that creature? It's weird.

Bridget to the rescue. 

Ah, love. The secret to being happy. 

Now that's an entrance.

I am so good at predicting these things.

Okay, there's a huge difference between being happy and having joy. If you search for happiness only, you're going to be constantly disappointed. So good luck with that, Bergens.

Good song.

Did they just light the chef on fire? And the traitor, apparently. That's some Disney level justice, there.

How do they hug with such large heads? This will haunt my dreams.

I guess Zooey Deschanel was in this? You couldn't prove it by me. Wait, was she Bridget? I did NOT hear that at all. 

So. That was ... cute? I guess. Not terrible. Not earth-shattering. 

I'd probably watch it again.

Moana: The Live Blog

I've got to hand it to Disney; they marketed their product well. Not once has it occurred to me over the last few months to not put the 'ah' in Moana. Not until the other day when someone talked about watching the "Mona" movie. So well done, guys.

(I originally thanked Michael Eisner until it occurred to me that he might no longer be in charge. So I asked Siri. Yeah, Eisner left in 2005. I feel old.)

Okay. So I toyed briefly with the idea of including time stamps in these so you'd be able to follow along better. But that's too much work for me. You'll be fine.

::cue the requisite traditional music that is opening all Disney movies now::

Well, no, in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Or, in the beginning, there was the Word. Or, alternatively, Mother Russia, which is what I'm calling Mother Island from now on.

I love the irony of calling this thing a warrior as he becomes a fat lizard.

Loki?

Oh. Maui.

Great bedtime story, Auntie.

Well, that's just adorable. Can I claim head canon baby Crush?

This child is Dead Sea-ing the ocean.

Found the heart, The End.

Oh.

I wonder, do these villagers ever get tired of humoring their chief's random dance breaks?

You're literally on an island. How do you keep her from the water?

I wanna play Chief Jenga.

I want a tattoo.

This kid, I love.

No offense, but I've seen this story before. Dad/Mom has high expectations for child. Child doesn't want to fulfill them. Mother/Father gives a heartfelt speech. Child does what they want anyway. Inexplicably, it works. Parent has to eat crow. Just once, I want the kid to develop a drug habit and admit they were wrong.

She's Saturday Night Live-ing this song. Admittedly, it's a good song.

That is not how leaves work.

Yes, set sail with no supplies and a pig.

I think I saw this in Their Finest Hour.

Did she just destroy coral? Where was the outcry?!

So, I'm curious, was this old woman the chief before the dude? Or her husband? You'd think she'd be taken a little more seriously.

Pretty sure this is how Steve Irwin died.

Is the idea of destiny okay as long as it's not your parents setting it?

One torch does not make that much light.

Those sails would crumble into dust at the first touch.

I want a haha before we're done.

Hey, Lin.

Uh, is "The Darkness" another name for "Climate Change?" Because that's the vibe I'm getting.

It's so nice of these particular stars to shine brighter just when this lady needs her to.

That went well.

And the death of the elder. Saw that one coming.

Oh, good. The chicken came along. Because we needed a weird animal friend.

Don't go sailing alone, kids. You'll end up like Truman.

I want magic hair that fixes itself after being buried in sand.

"Fish pee in you." That line is gold.

A Twitter joke? Really. No.

What a douchenozzle.

Was he building a statue of himself? And did she really just move a whole hunk of rocks?

I admit, I've never thought of the ocean as a character. I like it.

Oh look, it's a merchandising device. Why are coconuts attacking?

I can tell Lin Manuel Miranda had something to do with this movie because he likes referencing other movies. And I'm seeing another here with Waterworld.

Yes. Appeal to the man's ego. Works every time.

Yes. Disney has gone meta. Moana is a princess.

Oh, gross.

Got distracted. Where are we? Oh yeah. Nightmare Island. Thanks, Disney.

What accent is this? Whatever this thing is, it's hilarious.

This song is horrible, though.

And now I'm getting shades of The Emperor's New Groove.

No, I did not like the song.

Sharkhead, hoo haha.

Hey, kids, when someone doesn't want to talk about something, keep poking at them until they do. Consent doesn't matter! (Oops.)

And now I'm drawing parallels with abortion. What is this movie?

"You make your own fate" speech from the girl who believes the ocean chose her to return a stone to Mother Russia.

Even the ocean hate the chicken now. I completely understand.

I wonder how many kids think they know how to sail because they've watched this movie.

I'm calling this lava monster Diamond Head.

Diamond Head is a jerkwad.

Ooh. Dead hook. Dead hook is bad.

Wow, The Rock. That was harsh.

I'm trying to think of what the ocean reminds me of when it goes all blobby. It's not coming to me.

And visit from said dead elder. We're ticking all the boxes, aren't we?

The music is hit or miss for me.

Here's Diamond Head, again. I didn't need good dreams tonight.

Hey look, the chicken was good for something.

And Maui's change of heart. Tick.

Nice. Whale trick.

Umm. The ocean is cheating now. Could we not do that before?

Dead hook is seriously dead now. I have a feeling it will be back.

Diamond Head is Mother Russia. Who knew?

Aaaaand I got my Haka. Nice.

Prince of Egypt.

Hmm. So volcanos also form islands. That should have been obvious that they were the same.

I told you he'd get his hook back.

Which island is this? I feel like I'm supposed to recognize it.

Aww, he tattooed the young girl on his chest. That's not weird at all.

Umm, a shell doesn't really work with the whole stone motif they've got going.

Is everyone leaving the island? I'm confused.

I don't like whoever is covering this song.

Well, that was fun. I didn't have any major quibbles. I just feel like, with every movie I see now, I've seen it before.

Nothing new under the sun, I guess.





Hold up. Alan Tudyk was in this movie? As the CHICKEN?!

I take it all back. I'm done.

Finding Dory Live Blog

No, I haven't seen it yet.

Yes, I know it's been out a while.

No, I don't have an excuse.

Joining me today is Kira, a husky mix with half-adorable/half-creepy heterochromia. Who better to guest commentate on an animal film than an animal, right?

Let's begin.

Does anyone else expect the little lamp to go flying when it squashes down the 'I' in Pixar? Just me?

How exactly is she supposed to remember to tell children she has short-term memory loss?

And what responsible parent plays hide-and-seek with their memory-challenged child?

Is her father actually Marlin? Because he worries like Marlin.

How does she remember her name?

How did the VW Beetle end up at the bottom of the ocean?

Do we know how long Finding Nemo lasted?

This is one of those things Marlin's going to hold over his child forever, isn't it?

(Kira, do you like the song?) (...) (Right, then.)

The manta song rocks.

Seriously, where is this reef? They went across an ocean to Australia. California is another ocean away. I'm confused.

Sooooomewheeere, oouuuttt there!

Turtles. Sweeeeet, dude.

Is this a shipping container shipping ship? Yes, it is. And it's inhabited by the Giant Squid.

And children, this is why you cut up your plastic rings before you throw them away.

No child is going to go into ocean conservation if they think they're separating families.

I totally fell for this octopus thing. He's hilarious.

No one wants to go to Cleveland.

(How about you, Kira? Cleveland?) (::snore::)

Coffee cannot be good for squid.

Idris Elba as a sea lion. Yes, please.

Something tells me we don't want to know who Destiny is.

Yup. That's a problem. Get this fish some sonar.

Of course she learned whale from a whale shark.

How many things rhyme with open ocean? I get the feeling we'll find out soon.

These ducks look evil. Becky is hilarious.

Wow. This kid has some sass.

Gerald looks like a deformed ferret.

(Kira looked up when I started laughing.)

Really? She can fit into a sippy cup?

Remember when I was concerned about the lamp? Yeah, that was why.

Why is Sigourney Weaver the voice of the Marine Institute?

Wow, Hank. Harsh.

Horror movie of the year. Starring children.

Instinct. The answer is instinct.

That is a very dangerous course of action. Also, do they know what a tide pool does?

Awww. Octopus blush. Septapus, sorry.

I'm pretty sure all of these fish have very precise pH requirements for their water. And she's been in how many different water sources now?

Don't tell me. They put her parents back in the ocean.

Who puts a giant suction pipe in an exhibit?

Ah, The Cleveland.

Yay, she found them again! (Marlin and Nemo, Kira. Not her parents yet.)

If the flag goes down, does that mean that Sigourney Weaver is no longer in residence?

Disney. Come on. The dead parent trope needs to stop.

Ooh. Right back to the beginning. With smaller eyes.

(Kira's heartbroken. Truly.)

WWMD? (What would Marlin do?)

Her parents are awesome. Shell runways FTW!

Pretty sure the Marine Life Institute shouldn't have walls they can jump over.

Bridge.

Yes! Cute otters are cute.

That's right, Dory. Tell off the weird septapus.

Yeah, try explaining that the septapus drove your truck away.

Do a kamikaze dive off the bridge.

Called it!

Oh, look at all these non-native species going into their non-native environment.  I'm sure this will end well.

I would have been disappointed with any other song.

(What did you think, Kira?) (...) (I don't think she cares about fish.)

That was cute. Nothing complicated. And only one still-dead parent this time! Good job, guys.

Do they hunt down escaped marine life? What would PETA do? Probably kill them.

(Kira woke up for the post-credit scene. Now we need a movie with these guys. Kira agrees.)