The Utz Factor, Part 4

'Valley of the Shadow' - Little Women soundtrack

This is my go-to cry movie. Who knew watching Claire Danes die would make me lose it every time? Seriously, though, this music captures the moment so perfectly. It's sad, but you also know it's what Beth wants so she can stop suffering. But she also knows she's leaving behind a lot of heartache.

I love what music can do to people.

The Utz Factor, Part 3

'Clair de Lune' by Claude Debussy

I love this song. Words cannot describe how much I love this song. The first time it really stuck (though probably not the first time I heard it) was in Ocean's Eleven. It has such a longing feel to it, like someone who has been incandescently happy once and is remembering how amazing it is and knows that even if they are happy now, it can't compare to that one moment. But that's okay, because they've had that moment, and not everyone will get a moment like that. I've posted a couple versions of the song below.

The Utz Factor, Part 2

I actually heard this song for the first time on CSI. It's always had a haunting quality to it, and the lyrics make you want to cry, but it has that driving beat that tells you to keep going.

So, without further ado, 'Running Up That Hill' by Placebo.

Only 27

First, read this.

I had a lot of emotions when I first read this. At first, I did a virtual fist bump - "You go, girl! Preach it! Yeah! Why people be hatin'?"

Then, I got indignant. "Seriously, why do people keep asking this?"

Then, I felt a bit of relief. "Thank the Lord I'm not a firstborn child. Imagine the scrutiny and expectations of my life then!"

All of these emotions are valid. But once I got all the emotional angst out of the way, I started really thinking about the article. I realized I had some pretty deep thoughts.

1. Why, at 27, do people seem to think that I have to have things figured out? As the smart people I watch on television remind me, the brain really isn't fully developed until your mid-20s. So do I not get a few years to get used to the fact that I am now capable of rational thought? That those dreams or decisions I made when I was 16 or 20 are exactly that, the product of a 16-or-20-year-old brain. I don't want the same things I wanted then. Which reminds me...

2. I don't want the same things I wanted then. Because back then, it was me, Jessica, saying I wanted those things. It was the Jessica who let the world inform her of what was expected of her. Just look at TV right now - most characters in television pilots are young. Do they have things worked out? No. But are they ridiculed for this? Yes. They are considered the exception to the rule. Something is always wrong with them, and this has stunted their growth potential. They have daddy issues. They grew up poor. They grew up rich. They are too pretty. Or too ugly, which in Hollywood means they are brunette and wear glasses and weigh more than 100 pounds. (I'm getting off track.) Hollywood told me that I needed to have a steady job I loved, that it was okay to quit jobs I hated, that if I wasn't dating, I would be lonely forever, that I needed a man, that I didn't need a man, that kids can be had and then never seen or heard from again unless they had some cute quirk. And all before I was 30. Because life apparently ends after 30.

3. I have done a horrible job of appreciating the now. One of my favorite philosophers is Bill Watterson. Why? Because he created Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin might be a little hellion sometimes, but he always appreciates what he's doing at the moment. He's realistic about the future, but he also knew he was a kid and should be doing kid things. I have wasted so much time and so many great experiences because I was worried about what came next or how I would deal with something. It's a struggle. One I deal with daily. Especially now. This is not my dream job. But it's the one I'm in right now. I can't keep dreaming of the day I'm not doing this job anymore. Because it's an important job. It'll help a lot of people and bring revenue to OMS. I can't do my best if I'm constantly thinking about what I'd rather be doing.

I feel like we've moved a little further beyond this article. I know I've talked before about how I don't need or want to get married right now. That's still mostly true. I was reminded Monday of how much I need people sometimes. But not just any people. People who understand me and like the things I like. I had a conversation at lunch on Monday about science fiction, the Avengers, modern entertainment, history, books - all the things I love. And I was really only speaking with four people. I was passionate, I was animated - if you'd seen me on Monday, you would never have believed I was an introvert.

That's a discussion for another time.

I wouldn't mind coming home to someone every night. It's hard being on your own all the time.

But I don't know if I want to trade "when are you getting married?" for "when are you going to have kids?" Because the answer to the second question is a lot harder to answer. 

The Utz Factor, Part 1

A dear friend of mine has a blog, and on her blog, she has a segment called 'Sad Song Saturday.' I've hereby adopted this segment, with a few changes. I have a playlist in iTunes called 'Utzy,' and in this playlist are songs that make me feel just that extra bit of emotion. I'm going to share some of these songs with you. I may even explain what it is about them that causes the utz.

The first song is 'Parce Mihi Domine' performed by Jan Garbarek & The Hilliard Ensemble. I heard it for the first time on a TV show (a bad show, one you should not watch) and loved it. I love chants in general, and the sax layered onto it adds a real mournful quality.

Enjoy.

Radio Who

This is the latest and (probably) my last radio spot for OMS.

I'm ridiculously proud of it. Alecia, our summer intern, wrote the backbone of it because she (rightly so) has a deep and abiding love for Doctor Who. Jason and I have always wanted to do a parody of it, but the timing was off or we couldn't come up with a storyline. So when Alecia wrote this and I knew I was leaving, Jason and I knew we had to record it. I did a bit of rewriting and we tweaked it here and there, reversed roles so I could play the faux-Doctor, and this was the result!

Did I mention I'm ridiculously proud of it?

Incidentally, you can hear more of our radio spots every Sunday night on Freedom 95.9 in the Indianapolis area or streaming online at www.freedom95.us as OMS airs its new radio program, One Mission Stories. You can also catch up with the podcast on www.onemissionsociety.org/radio. These stories come from around the OMS world and give a little more insight into our missionaries. Jason is the host and does a really great job.

Also, if you can list all of the Doctor Who references in the ad above, I'll buy you a Tom Baker scarf. Maybe. You have to get all of them, though!

Dilemmas

So there's been a bit of radio silence here. I'm fully aware of this. I think I've started and stopped more posts in the last few weeks than in the entire time I've had this blog.

First dilemma: I started this blog as a way to talk about my ministry and keep in touch with supporters. I've had other blogs in the past, mostly used to vent and amuse myself. This one actually has a purpose, but since I haven't kept up with the others and don't remember the passwords, I'm pretty much left with this one. Technically, I'm still with OMS, but I'm not being funded anymore. Does it feel awkward for you? Because it does for me. Of course, I've taken creative license with this blog before, so I don't really feel bad about doing it now. And I'll still talk about what I do now. Probably.

Second dilemma: I'm still trying to wrap my head around my change in status. Things happened very quickly, and I had to mentally move from fundingfundingfunding to nolongerwithOMSwhathappensnow to ihavenoideawhatthisjobentailsbutitsajob over the course of about three days. I was literally packing my desk on Friday and unpacking it on Monday (though in a different place). Now that things have settled a little bit, I find myself wishing I'd had some time off in between to really process things. I'm really noticing the distinct lack of mental processing.

Third dilemma: I'm really noticing the distinct lack of mental processing. I don't talk about it much on here because I suffered from the "Missionaries Must Only Present Positive Attitudes in Public" disease for about three years. Only a few people really knew what was going on in my head. But we're airing it in public now. I suffer from severe depression. To the point where just basic functions take a lot out of me, so doing a blog is not even a blip on my radar. I am working on it. Some days are better than others. This past year has been especially difficult. We'll probably address that more later.

Fourth dilemma: I have very little time to write a blog. I will try to write up some stuff and schedule posts, but I make no promises.

So yes, I know I haven't been around. I'm trying to change that. I'll let you know how it goes.