The Madness of March

It's been a while since I went full autist-brain on something. At least on here. I do it in public fairly regularly. It's usually comparing prices on groceries or trying to pick the best route home. But as the self-appointed director of entertainment (subsequently promoted to Queen or downgraded to VP, depending on who you ask), I started a March Madness bracket at the office. Nothing crazy, no money changing hands, just a friendly competition. 

For the office, I did my usual with the bracket - picked randomly. There was some thought put into it, but I'm not really a basketball person (I hate basketball), so I don't know who the favorites are or who has a better field goal percentage. I am vaguely aware, as a resident of Indiana, that there is an excessively tall person playing for Purdue(?) that my mom is gaga over. 

So that was about the size of it until I got to thinking. (A dangerous pastime, I know). I always joke about choosing based on the mascot, which I sometimes do when I just can't be bothered to look up statistics, but it really stuck with me for some reason this year. 

So that's what I did.

I have entered my own personal bracket, just for fun, based solely on which mascot can beat up all the other mascots. And there are some weird pairings. For example, there's something called a Gael going up against an antelope. There are no less than five bulldogs. Cats are also popular. 

Sometimes I had to use my best judgment, because what the heck is an Aggie and why is it on here twice? How do you guess what a freaking Hilltopper can do against an eagle? 

Stress doesn't begin to describe it. 

But, after much toil, I can tell you exactly which team mascot would triumph based on the Hollopeter Scale of Weird Matchups. 

We're going to go over the reasoning before I spoil the ending, though. Think of it as the long pointless story you have to read before you actually get to a recipe. 

We'll start in the East. You have a Husky vs a Hatter, an Owl vs a Wildcat, an Aztec vs a Dragon, etc etc. Honestly, the Aztec really suffered for being up against a Dragon. There's just no competition. The big cats did well in the first round, with a Tiger, a Wildcat, and two Cougars prevailing over two Bulldogs, an Owl, and a Duke (not THE Duke, mind, just a team called the Dukes). The real challenges were who wins between a Cardinal and a Jackrabbit, and a Kingfisher and an Eagle. I picked the Jackrabbit because I think it could jump on the Cardinal and bunny kick it into submission. Kingfishers are surprisingly vicious with big mouths, but I think the Eagle wins just on sheer size and speed. I'll let my bird nerds correct me if I'm mistaken. 

The cats and the Dragon dominated the second round, leading to a Cougar v Cougar battle in the third. At that point, it was basically up to who had the better logo. Well don, Washington State, on your graphic design. Honestly, though, when a Dragon is in the mix, no one stands a chance. 

Congratulations, University of Alabama Birmingham! You take the East, in your first March Madness appearance. 

Let's go to the South now. Man, this first round was rough. I really wanted the Lancer to take out the Cougar, but logistically, I think the cats are just more maneuverable. You need a group to go after wild animals, and I'm only allowing a 1v1 battle. I assumed the Husker would just befriend the Aggie that is represented by a rough collie. I don't know what a Blue Devil is, but I looked up Catamounts, and again, the lethality cannot be matched. Again, the Raider is going to domesticate the Wolf, and an Eagle will peck out the eyes of whatever a Hilltopper is. But how do you measure a Wildcat against a Grizzly? The Gator either has to defeat a Buffalo or a Horse (we don't know yet), and those are very different animals. I did find a fun video of a horse curb stomping an alligator, though, and a buffalo is a lot heavier than a horse, so the Gator is out. 

I'll admit my bias when it comes to badgers. They are just awesome. So, yes, the Badger does prevail against the Catamount and the Cougar to meet the Grizzly in battle. Sadly, I think the Grizzly has it at that point. 

Congratulations, Oakland! You take the South. 

Moving West, we have some more weird ones. A LOT depends on the Howard/Wagner game, because a Seahawk vs a Ram is a lot different than a Buffalo vs a Ram. I decided a Gael actually could take on an Antelope, mostly because I learned that Gaels are Irish and probably have awesome swords. Yes, I'm biased. The Crimson Tide got super lucky that they are repped by an elephant. We had a lot of domestication going on, allowing the Spartan to beat the Bulldog and the Flyer to beat the Wolf. There was a Leonardo DiCaprio situation in which a Bear faced a Raider. Yes, Leo survived, but the bear only did that out of pity. And can we talk about LBSU? It's California State University, Long Beach. From the photos, they have a beautiful campus. I'm sure they're great. But they go by The Beach. Not the sharks, which is the mascot. No, they are very explicit in pointing out that they are The Beach. So when The Beach fights a Wildcat, yeah... I'm giving it to the Wildcat. You had your chance, LBSU. You blew it. 

For simplicity's sake, let's assume the Seahawks won and then the Ram just stomped all over it. The cats and the Elephant are going to clean up the rest of the second round, leading to a Spartan vs an Elephant and a Tiger vs a Wildcat. I'm going to assume that the Spartan is not actually Legolas, and I'm going to give the Tiger a win based on mass. But according to India.com, an Elephant will serve the Tiger its own lunch. 

Congratulations, Alabama. Through sheer luck, you take the West. 

Finally, the North. This is probably the most diverse group, and not a cat among them. Two Bulldogs that never meet because of Cowboy domestication, a wild Kangaroo thrown into the mix, THREE birds, and a Horned Frog that is actually a lizard. Can we talk about how many articles there are discussing whether or not a duck can kill a chicken? Apparently, they don't get along. The consensus was yes, by the way. The Kangaroo is going to punch the heck out of the Bluejay. The Longhorn is going to beat the Cavalier or Ram, whichever you pick. And I'm sorry, but the Peacock is just not going to dazzle the Volunteer, which is represented by the Hound. (I don't understand it either. It's Tennessee.)

But my biggest obstacle is the Boilermaker. It's either fighting Lightning or a Cougar. And normally, I'd say there's no contest. But have you seen a Boilermaker? They have shoulders. And grit. And a stubborn streak a mile wide. So if anyone is going to prevail against mother nature or a big cat, it's going to be him. (Also, I live in Indiana and am legally obligated to cheer for Purdue. Otherwise I'd have to leave, and I kinda like it here.)

From there, it gets easier. The Bulldog is again domesticated, the Kangaroo stomps the Duck and then the Longhorn, and the Boilermaker just keeps being stubborn. And we've all seen the video of the guy punching the kangaroo in the face. 

Congratulations, Purdue! You win the North. 

So now we have a Dragon fighting an Elephant. And a Boilermaker fighting a Bear. 

And here's where it gets interesting. Because we already said the Bear eats Leo for breakfast. But we've given the Boilermaker a lot of credit for just generally being a complete UNIT. And did you know that the Dragon and the Elephant are mortal enemies? Pliny the Elder wrote about them in the first century. It's basically mutually-assured destruction. And a lot depends on what type of dragon it is. If we're talking Game of Thrones, the elephant is a crispy snack. If we're talking Mulan dragon, the elephant is shaking off a squishy mass from its foot. 

Again, I am left with the depiction of said mascots. And for UAB/BAMA, the dragon is breathing fire. The elephant is an afterthought. So Dragon beats Crimson Tide. For Oakland/Purdue, the bear is looking straight down the camera with gnarly teeth. The Boilermaker... well, he's a P. Kinda slanty, sure, but still just a letter of the alphabet. Sorry, Purdue. Bears beets Battlestar - I mean, Bear beats Boilermaker. 

"Now we enter the Colosseum. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the spectacle of the ages! In one corner, a fearsome creature that has triumphed over man and beast and comes now to - huh? The dragon ate the bear? Yeah. Sounds about right." 

Look, there really wasn't a contest here. The Dragon is going to win every time. A person-based mascot might beat a dragon, but even in the most girlboss of movies, you're just not going to go toe to toe with a dragon and come out the victor. Not when you're in an arena. Dragon taming takes time. Read some Dragonriders of Pern or watch the literal manual "How to Train Your Dragon." You would need another mythical creature to join the lists, and even then, you're hoping for a leviathan, phoenix, or a kraken. (I'm purposely leaving out the fantastic book "The Hero and the Crown" in which a girl can and does end up killing many dragons. But she earns it and nearly dies many times in the process. She's also kind of magic. So yeah. You should read it, though. I love that book. The first one in the series is supposedly going to be a film, but honestly, the second book is superior.)

That's it, then. In the Hollopeter Scale of Weird Matchups, the University of Alabama Birmingham Blazers take the trophy. (Did I mention that they aren't even called the Dragons?)

I'll let you know how I do in the pool.